We Need to Change How We Think About Failure
…Or maybe just irradicate the word from our vocabulary.
If you make a study of success, you’ll quickly realize that failure is just part of the process. It’s what all the great coaches and gurus know, and what every successful figurehead has figured out on the way to the top. And yet, is it just me, or do we all, somehow, still have so much stress around the idea of failing in our endeavors? Just the thought of failing keeps so many people from pursuing their dreams, or even just trying something they’re curious about. In short, fear of failure often keeps us from our most fulfilling lives, and in doing so it keeps us from doing our greatest good.
Shifting Tenses: embracing failure now can ease our journey to success
Okay, so we all know that the most successful people have all failed tens or hundreds or thousands of times through their climb. The thing is, we so often hear these stories in retrospect. Sure, Oprah might have been fired from her job that one time, but look at her now. It’s easy to say that her failures lead to her success because she’s already observable successful. But validating our negative experiences retroactively is one thing. Celebrating them when we’re in the midst of the suck, however, is totally different… Isn’t it?
Or is it that we’ve simply allowed our automated subconscious programs and cultural influences to define how we relate to failure and other “negative experiences”?
Sara Blakely grew up with an entirely different framework around failure, thanks to her father. Apparently, every night in the Blakely household, the family would spend their dinner time celebrating the things at which they had failed. From that, Sara learned not to take failure so seriously, and even to have a sense of humor about it. Thus, she was able to navigate her entrepreneurial journey with the understanding that failure was simply part of the process, something to be laughed about and learned from.
Imagine how freeing it would be if we could all pursue our dreams while embracing failure as part of the journey instead of putting all this pressure on ourselves to succeed from the start.
Reframing in Action: my personal experience
In 2016, I auditioned for a Christmas show called The Polar Express. (Yup, like the Warner Bros. movie). It was a live “stage” show in New Orleans that actually took place on a train, and it was the first time I had ever auditioned for a stage show. Not only that, I had never even joined a theatre club. I had never taken a single singing lesson, and the only dance experience I had was a few years of experience as a ballroom dance teacher. In fact, the only reason I decided to audition for the show was that the casting advertisement called for “chorus members”, and I figured I wouldn’t have to be too good at anything if I were just going to be one of a hundred people in a chorus. So, I took a chance…
And I got everything wrong.
As soon as my name was called to enter the audition room, the director asked me for my headshot and resume. I didn’t have it. Having only attended film and commercial auditions at which you just kind of show up, I had no idea such a thing was required for stage auditions. Fortunately, the director was very forgiving of this slip… But then came the singing part of the audition.
I had chosen the song “Sway”, thinking it was a fit for my low alto voice (not that I knew anything about it). I started, feeling nervous, and before I had finished the first line, the director stopped me. Uh oh…
“First, I want you to get out of first position,” he said.
Vaguely remembering what that was, I separated my feet to take a slightly wider stance. He let me continue. I started again… And he stopped me again.
“You know what? Just sing ‘Jingle Bells’.”
I was mortified, but I did my best. In my head, I had already blown this audition so hard there was really nothing left to lose. Until the director asked me if I could do a battement, that is. I had no idea what that was.
“It’s like a high kick,” he said.
That was somewhat encouraging because I could actually do a high kick. And I very, very enthusiastically demonstrated the one thing that I thought I might not royally f*ck up at that night.
After that came a dance audition, in which I performed slightly better. Certainly not perfect, but the choreography was really fun and upbeat and I felt like I could kind of hide myself amongst the other dancers because everyone was performing at the same time. Dancing always lifts me up, and even though I already knew I had failed that audition in every aspect, something about the energy of the experience and the director made me feel positive.
I only half-balked when the director then called me out in front of everyone to sing “Jingle Bells” again. (He actually made me do it twice. He said the first time I had too much attitude…)
At the end of the audition, I shook the director's hand and thanked him for the amazing experience. I had learned so much, and because I didn’t have any expectations, I had even enjoyed the process. I drove home that night feeling elated. To me, even though I knew I wouldn’t be in that show, I had gained so much more from the experience than I ever could have expected.
Then, a few weeks later, I got an email. Despite every step of the audition going wrong, I somehow got a part in the show.
And not only did I get the part… I ended up the Dance Captain, both that year and the next year. (In fact, I was asked back again the year after that, but I was already in Japan so I had to turn it down.) It was one of the greatest experiences of my life, something that I’ll remember for the rest of my years. And I don’t think it ever would have happened if I had been all angsted out about failing that night at the audition. It definitely wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t even tried.
The Hard Truth
We all tell ourselves stories about what will happen if we fail at something we want to pursue. We’ll be embarrassed, we’ll be shunned or rejected, maybe we’ll be broke. What we don’t realize is that even if all of that’s true, there’s more to the story on the other side. If we keep going, there are incredibly valuable lessons to be learned, and so much satisfaction to be had. But we’re so busy hedging our bets and playing it “safe” that we end up robbing ourselves of some of our greatest potential achievements.
The reality? Failure doesn’t come in the form of failure. It’s one of two things: giving up, or never trying at all.
