What I learned from starting a business with a narcissist and the moment I knew to walk away.
I actually knew not to start the business in the first place, but needed to learn a few other lessons in the process.
The most important lesson: Always listen to your gut.
Six months ago, I resigned from the nonprofit I co-founded with two friends effectively breaking up the friendship as well. That’s the part that makes me a little sad still, although it felt like the friendship was also hanging on by a thread. And to be totally honest, I don’t miss the friendship that much anymore.
For weeks, I kept wondering if I made the right decision. It didn’t feel impulsive; things had been unraveling for a while. Unkind things were said and overheard, and the ability to compromise was frozen. It’s hard to tell exactly when things went south because there were so many blips. I’m not sure if I would call them red flags or not, but there were things that came off as odd and gave me reason to pause.
In in the months since my resignation, I’ve replayed the situations in my head looking for the lessons. I’ve talked with my therapist and friends who listened to my story and shared advice and personal stories of times they were abused. Someone said my business partner sounded like a narcissist and suggested I research narcissism. While Susan* and her sister didn’t check every box, they certainly fit the bill of someone with narcissistic tendencies. There was a lot of love bombing, especially in the beginning. Inflated ego. Unable to take responsibility for their actions. Blame shifting. Bringing up past events to deflect from the matter at hand. Trash talking other people to build themselves up. A lot of the moments that gave me pause were coupled with one of these other actions. I couldn’t articulate everything at the time, but with the gift of retrospect, I can realize when my intuition was trying to talk to me and how I wasn’t listening.
I can’t guarantee I won’t ignore my intuition again, however, I can tell you that I will be more attuned to what she is saying. Here are some of the loudest lessons I learned from an unsound business partnership…
If there is no communication, there is no compromise and no conciliation. And there is no room for growth.
Looking back, one of the major red flags was a lack of communication for several weeks, maybe even months. There was a lot of talking, don’t get me wrong. But it wasn’t productive or fruitful. There was pushback when I asked for help reviewing grants for our organization (even though I was the only one searching for and applying to grants). Susan told me she was disappointed in the amount of work I had done and she told me she didn’t think the project I was working on was going to be a success.
We became unable to hear each other. Our last several conversations were fraught. She said she didn’t think I was respecting her boundaries even though I abided by all the new rules she made. I learned she kept making new rules and moving the goal post because she was unable to talk about her emotions in a real way if she wasn’t getting her way. Relationships are a two way street and that kind of all-or-nothing behavior makes finding common ground difficult.
A friendship is not a friendship if someone is keeping score.
Susan came up to my apartment once with a list of things she had done for me that I hadn’t done for her to illustrate how generous she was and where I was lacking in our friendship. Her list included housing some of my plants on the back patio and helping me move into my apartment. She love bombed me. She controlled the communications with the landlord and then became annoyed when our landlord reached out to her when they had questions for me. She wielded whatever power she could grasp over me. Eventually, I became so uncomfortable around her because I was constantly worrying what she thought of me… Was I doing enough? Am I good enough? Have I stayed out of the way enough? Am I bothering them? Did I talk too much or not enough? Was I too loud? Was I too honest? and more ridiculous, inferior, self-questioning thoughts where I was the only one required to change. Looking back, I don’t think the friendship was ever on even footing or fair ground. Again, friendship is a two way street and a good friendship requires the ability to compromise.
Not everyone will be able to sit with your grief and that’s okay. But it is not okay for anyone to criticize you for grieving. Grief is part of the human condition and it is already a painful enough process.
My grandmother passed away in December 2020. She was one of my most favorite people and my best friend. In February 2021, Susan and her sister asked me to stop grieving the loss of my grandmother around them. They said it “was getting to be too much” and added it was “kind of annoying”. I’ll admit, there were a few sobbing moments, but mostly it was silent tears streaming down my face while I sat at my desk and worked on my computer. A month later in March, a longtime family friend died unexpectedly; there were some surface level condolences, but it wasn’t a safe space to express any real grief. March 2021 was also the anniversary of a painful breakup and the anniversary of the pandemic starting. It was the birthday of my best friend who died 11 years prior and the upcoming 10 year anniversary of my roommate dying. I was dealing with a lot of grief during this time; my heart was heavy and everything ached. I don’t remember everything that was happening during this time, I mostly remember just trying to make it through to the end of the day. I have learned in my grief not to surround myself with unkind people.
There is no wrong or right way to grieve, and each grieving person will want/need different things. If you think some grief is too much, try carrying it. And if you don’t have anything helpful to say, don’t say anything at all.
Anyone who blatantly refuses to take any ownership of their actions is worthy of questioning. To a narcissist, the fault will always be with someone else.
Last summer, I was a guest on a local radio show where I was talking about textile waste and compost. As soon as the interview was over and before I left the station building, Susan texted me that we needed to talk. I waited until I got home to call her and the conversation started something like this…
Susan: “How do you think that went?”
Me: “Okay. How do you think it went?”
Susan: “Oh, I don’t. I think it was bad, actually.”
Well… I took a deep sigh and set my head in my left hand while I held the phone in my right as Susan proceed to tell me all the ways the interview was bad in her eyes. “You only mentioned me one time and you didn’t even mention [my other business]”, to which she commented on her own statement, “If I had more ego, I would be really upset by that.” She said I answered the questions wrong; When asked about making clothes, I answered by making quilts as I don’t make clothes. The only feedback she gave for how to improve in the future was, “We’ll have to practice next time.” While that is a good suggestion, it doesn’t offer much in the way of constructive criticism or any suggestions with which I can use to improve.
It was after this phone call that I knew I had to leave the business. I called her the next day to tell her that that our conversation was not constructive for me. I said I didn’t disagree with her criticism nor did I say that she wasn’t allowed to criticize me. I instead asked if we could start with constructive feedback first next time. Her response was, “Well, the interview was so bad that it shook my confidence in you. I was cringing the whole time. … I needed to tell you this immediately because we’re business partners and we should be honest with each other and I didn’t want to forget.” As though waiting even 30 minutes would make her forget how bad she felt I did.
When we spoke about these phone calls again before I officially resigned, she said “You’re just too sensitive. I want to be able to be honest with you. If it bothers you, grow a thicker skin.” While I may be a sensitive person, me being sensitive doesn’t give anyone permission to be rude on purpose and blame it on my sensitivity. This is called gaslighting. Your words matter and you need to take ownership of them; placing the blame on someone else is a copout. Every. Time. I also knew if I said any of what she said to me, to her, she would lose her mind. She would not take it well and she would be just as hurt as I was. But I just needed to grow a thicker skin. *Be aware of double standards.*
Even if you did hurt someone or you are in the wrong, you are not responsible for someone else’s healing. They have to choose to heal on their own then they have to do the work of healing on their own.
Your wound is probably not your fault, but your healing is your responsibility. — Denice Frohman
She became the victim after I spoke up for myself, after I called her the next day and told her that conversation wasn’t productive for me. It’s true that I may have hurt Susan’s ego during the radio interview and it’s entirely possible I hurt her husband’s feelings when I didn’t say hi to him that one time. But I am not responsible for managing their feelings. I can’t make them feel good again. I don’t live in their body or their brain or their heart and I have no control of what goes on in any of those areas. They control how they respond to me and everyone else. I can apologize all day, but they have to choose to forgive and move on. And if you never receive an apology, you still have to find a way to let go of the hurt and the anger and move on. Holding onto anger for someone else is like drinking poison and hoping it kills the other person. If you are depending on the actions of someone else to make you happy, you will never be happy.
The final straw came when I heard Susan and her sister talking about me on a recorded group Zoom call before I texted them that they weren’t on mute. What I heard was very hurtful and from my perspective, it was very clear where I stood. Our relationship was tense before that, but it escalated quickly into the red after that. I sent an email the following morning wondering what the best path forward was and suggested a few options. They replied with pushback and intimidation. I resigned in my following reply. I could no longer ignore what my gut had been telling me for months. I wasn’t sleeping well, wasn’t eating well. I lost weight. I was so tense in my body, I felt on the verge of a panic attack for weeks. Resigning wasn’t easy and unfortunately, the situation got pretty ugly before all ties were severed, but I could not be more thankful that I no longer work with Susan or her sister.
The whole experience affected my self-esteem. I’ve been scared to put myself back out there, afraid I’ll be taken advantage of again. I feel dumb for allowing myself to be mentally, emotionally, and verbally abused for so long. I never thought that could happen to me; I thought I would see the signs and stop the situation before it had a chance to start. But it happened so slowly, so manipulatively, like the frog in the pot as the water slowly starts to boil and then all of a sudden, he’s just in the heat of it.
This was six months ago now, and I still feel every bit confirmed in my decision to resign as I did then. With more distance, I can see that these are not the kind of people I want to spend a lot time with, let alone share a business. I was knocked off my path and have slowly regained my footing. Sharing some of that experience and the lessons I learned help me rebuild my foundation and get back on solid ground.
*Names have been changed.
If you have an experience dealing with a narcissist and lived to tell the tale, I’d love to hear it. And if you found any of this helpful, follow along as I share more of my life lessons.
