What JLo Taught Me About Paradox and Compassion

I love Jennifer Lopez, she is one of my heroes for sure. Who ever would have thought that the physical human body was capable of that sort of presentation at the age of fifty?? Fifty-two if you’re a sucker for precision. The song she did with Ja Rule back in 2001, “I’m Real”, used to be my anthem. I can hear that catchy beat now: “what’s my mother fu*kin name…and the game done chose me”.

Ohhh my.

There was a time in my life when I thought that remaining true to my values meant that I was “real”. Being “real” or authentic was something that I wore as a badge of honor. It meant that I was steadfast in my values and my truth, and that there was no way you would catch me being a hypocrite. This may all sound fine and good except my values at this time in my life were questionable, at best. These were the days when I took pride in being the “ride or die” for a drug dealer boyfriend. Thinking about it now, I can feel the familiar warmth of shame blanket my entire body. There was no way that my mind could have grasped the possibility of two opposite ideals being true at the same time. I had to believe in my truth being absolute, so much so, that it almost felt like survival. An in a way, it was — it was the only way my ego could survive.

Can I get an AMEN for human capacity for change??!

As I sit here and reflect on the great strides I have made in shifting my value system to a system worth valuing, I think about the paradoxes we experience as humans. As my ego becomes less and less, it creates a space in me that allows for two opposing principles to be true.

I can be strong and still desire security.

I can be brave and still feel trepidation.

I can feel secure and at the same time be vunerable.

Probably the best example of the paradox of humanity is how we are all the same, yet vastly different. We are all red-blooded, with the same human mechanics and body systems. On a cellular level, we aren’t only identical to each other, but also identical to other species on the planet. We all feel every emotion, from fear to joy. We all experience change on a continium.

On the other end of the spectrum, we have all had experiences that make us unique. With billions of people inhabiting the Earth, you will never find two people with identical circumstances. From the moment we take our first breath, our conditioning begins to create an individual unlike any other, the possibilities are infinite.

We have permission in this world to be everything that we are. There is liberation in knowing that we can do, be and feel all of the things at once.

I am not one of those parents who doesn’t remember what it is like to be a kid. I remember all of the pain of adolescence. As I watch my child in his first year of high school, I cringe. The hunger for belonging and sameness being the predominant pressures in his life. Yet, at the very same time, working so hard to separate and find his own identity. Two opposite, very strong forces, nestled together in one mind.

Adults are not so different. If we are fortunate, we do find a certain level of confidence, but it is not guaranteed. What is true for me, may not be true for another.

This is why cultivating compassion for others is so important. In order for unification to occur, to relieve the polarization that is occurring in humanity, we must work towards our common ground. We have to see the sameness and, at the same time, make room for our differences in how we perceive the world.

We cannot have compassion for others without first having compassion for ourselves. We can begin this by limiting self-criticism and allowing ourselves a shit-ton of grace. Life is hard and ugly at times. Paradoxically, it is also boundlessly beautiful.

To learn more about cultivating self-compassion, click here.