When I Find My Purpose, Life Will Be Easier, Right?
It depends on how you approach it.
When I think about purpose, I think about people who are full of vitality and spirit. They love the life they live and seem to live it to the fullest. They found a meaningful way to make a difference in the world. It’s like they solved one of life’s biggest mysteries. They found their purpose. I’ve always admired that. That’s what I always wanted for myself.
For the longest time I thought that having a family of my own was supposed to be my big purpose in life. Having a house full of happy kids running around the house, spreading their joy and liveliness would fill me with happiness and satisfaction.
So, after marrying a great guy and having four children together, life was quite full with all that I had ever longed for. I was living the life that I had always wanted. I was a stay-at-home-mom with healthy children and a supportive husband, residing in a wonderful neighborhood with great schools. I thought all of this held the keys to fulfillment and purpose.
Until I realized it didn’t. At some point, telling myself to be grateful for all the blessings in my life was no longer enough for me. Raising kids was much harder than I’d ever imagined. I was exhausted and drained. I was stuck in disillusionment and unhappiness.
One day, I decided I didn’t want to stew much longer in this negative state. I felt afraid that lingering in that gloominess would turn me into a bitter person over time, unable to enjoy that golden retirement that was irresistibly lurking at the horizon. Who would want to hang out with a crabby person during those glory days of leisure?
But, beyond that, I also wondered how I would fill my days when the time of mothering had come to pass. Without a professional career, I wasn’t sure what would be meaningful to me.
I knew I had to make a change. So, I searched for ways to create more fulfillment and also hoped to find the answer to life’s big question: what am I doing here?
I created regular time for solitude and simply did what seemed enjoyable. I took time to read, write, draw, paint, and to reflect and wonder. Slowly, I came alive again. Life filled me up again, instead of draining me.
Over time, something from deep within started to emerge. It was more than just inspiration for the next painting or activity. It was bigger than that. It was an idea that completely shifted the way I had always thought about myself. And because this idea would surely cause a ripple effect in my life, my inner critic pushed it successfully to the side for a while.
But, true purpose can only be suppressed for so long. It’s just a matter of time before its presence becomes strong enough in our awareness that it becomes undeniable. It’s a matter of allowing ourselves and conquering that inner critic.
I was going to write a book.
Once I surrendered to the idea, I was filled with excitement about writing a book on how to connect to more authentic parts of ourselves to help us create positive changes in our lives.
I had done so myself and I knew I wasn’t the only mom struggling with disillusionment, with insecurities about parenting, with guilt about the should-haves and could-haves in life, with feelings of not being enough, and with feeling drained. I was convinced that a book like mine would be worth my time and effort as I had received plenty of encouragement to do so from other moms who struggled just like me. This would be meaningful.
So, now that I had found my purpose, surely life would be easier. At least, that’s what I had always assumed. Paulo Coelho’s words from The Alchemist encouraged this idea:
“And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you achieve it.”
So, writing my book was going to be a breeze. If this was part of my purpose, it was supposed to be easy.
Not exactly. I struggled with making progress on my book. The occasional moments of writer’s flow would unexpectedly drain right out of me, leaving me stuck on words. Something didn’t seem right. Was I doing something wrong? Was this book not part of my purpose?
I had to figure this out and whenever there’s no easy answer, I source the universe. I threw my burning question into the universe and asked, “why isn’t it easier once you find your purpose?”
Asking the universe is like praying, but without rituals, unless you have your own. It really doesn’t matter. I simply ask in silence and, from experience, I know an answer will come soon enough. I just have to pay attention to the signs.
A few days later, I was folding laundry and my mind got all tangled up again in frustration over my conflict with purpose. While I became aware of my negative state, I also became aware of a book across the room. This moment of deeper awareness indicated it was a sign. I simply knew the answer was in that book. As I opened The Pilgrimage by Paulo Coelho, I knew to search the back of the book and scanned a couple of pages. There it was:
“…if instead of asking ‘What am I doing here,’ people would simply resolve to do anything that sparks enthusiasm in their heart. The gateway to Paradise lies in working with enthusiasm; it lies in love that transforms and the choice that leads to God. It is that enthusiasm that connects us with the Holy Spirit, not hundreds and thousands of readings of the classical texts.”
In that moment I realized I had disconnected from the initial excitement about writing my book. My ruminating mind had stolen the stage with all its worries about how certain chapters didn’t fit in the book, or how they were too long or too short, or how my writing style had changed over time and how I would have to rewrite the whole thing, and on and on. Enthusiasm creates flow, anxiety blocks it.
Shortly after that, I found more insights that helped me move forward with my book. In A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle, the author explains that even though you have a goal for the future, you need to continue to stay aware of the present moment. Your attention needs to stay in the now or you will lose the connection with your enthusiasm:
“Enjoyment of what you are doing, combined with a goal or vision that you are working towards, becomes enthusiasm.”
He also warns against an inflated image of ourselves, one in which our ego takes over with its need for importance, but rather see yourself as inspiring others with what you are doing.
Another trap we can fall into, Tolle notes, is thinking of our purpose as something big that happens somewhere in the future. As soon as our mind shifts to something that might happen in the future, we lose the connection to the present moment, to the now.
This was the mistake I had made. Every time I thought about my purpose, my book, I thought about it as something that would be achieved in the future and wondered how it would ever happen.
The key was to get myself back to the present moment where I can experience inspiration and creativity. This enabled me to make great progress with my project. As soon as I’d lose my flow, I tried to become aware of where my mind had taken me. Usually, it was a place of worry about details that I didn’t have control over anyway, or that would resolve themselves naturally over time. At that point, I’d try to let go of my worries and get back to the now.
I remind myself regularly that I can only reach my future goals through the present moment. As a matter of fact, the future will never come. We can only experience this very moment.
And of course, as it turns out, raising my family is a great purpose in my life. If not for them, if not for the incredible medley called parenthood with all its contrasts of challenges and proud moments, of worries and joys, of frustrations and delights, I never would have searched for a deeper meaning in my life.
Raising my children created the launching pad that I needed to find my way to another purpose. I simply didn’t see the gifts as I looked through a clouded lens. It was a lens fogged up with worry about my children and about me not being good enough.
Ultimately, my search for purpose and happiness led me to an extraordinary spiritual experience which I write extensively about in my book.
And, because of that life changing experience, I now know that living life and finding our purpose can be a messy ride, and it’s all okay.
The contrasts in life help us figure out what feels right to us or not, or what feels rewarding in some way or not. It’s the only way we can evolve. And evolution is the ultimate goal. Perfection is the great illusion. We have to take the good with the bad so we can use the challenges as launching pads towards living with more purpose, towards becoming more complete human beings, richer in experience and wiser in our wisdom, if we choose so.
If there’s anything I’ve learned about purpose, it’s that I should try to live more in the moment and put my worries aside, because I can’t solve them anyway, for if I could I already would have. Nowadays, I focus more on tuning in to what inspires me, on what lifts me up and on what is meaningful to me.
Does life get easier when you find your purpose? It all depends on how you approach it.
