Bay Area Buzzword Bollocks: Part 1
Excerpts from actual emails I received and conversations I’ve had in San Francisco.
Tech buzzwords confuse me. Though they’re nothing new to tech, and I often embrace buzzwords to can convey nuance (or seem like I know what I’m talking about), I also spend a lot of time Googling them just to make sense of an email or LinkedIn request. I get the feeling a lot of people in this industry are just using The Lean Startup as a thesaurus instead of trying to communicate with any authenticity (or learn about lean startups), and I find it equal parts hilarious and stupid.
This list will inevitably grow. It’s mostly pulled from sales pitches I receive from ‘success managers’ and other similarly vague titles, or at tech networking events (which are always hilarious, and not because they’re trying to be). I look forward to publishing more, and I hope to turn some into ironic corporate motivation posters.
“This update will streamline your workflow, uncover meaningful insights, and provide access to a robust analytics dataset.”
Someone was paid to write that in an email, then send it to me.
“Let’s take it offline.”
Words said during an already offline meeting.
“Using these insights in conjunction with our full suite of touchpoints, you will be able to build brand awareness via product discovery and drive quality traffic to your webstore.”
Now that’s some buzzword poetry, right there. Someone put that on a t-shirt please.
“Let’s flesh out these concepts and see if any of them have legs.”
Referring to ideas, not people or roast chicken.
“Determining the halo effect of your user acquisition strategy…”
Heard at a tech meet & greet where there was free pizza and beer, but very few people who wanted to meet & greet. An excellent game of Buzzword Bingo (the drinking version) ensued with my coworkers at this event.
“Another day, another dollar.”
My coworker Drew, as he dreams about Burning Man while staring at upwards pointing arrows.
“Growth hacking. Product management strategies. Verticals. Verticals. Verticals.”
This is not recounted verbatim, I heard these words thrown around at a housewarming party of all fucking things. There was free beer and food. It was a glorious fucking day out, and the hottest topic of conversation was strategy and the Caltrain commute. Sob. I would have attempted another game of drinking Buzzword Bingo at this party but I was actually the only person laughing at any of this.
