Jokes that weren’t good enough to get me into Samantha Bee’s mentorship program

They’re Onion-like fake headlines, if you care.

Skip the italics to get to the jokes.

I love Samantha Bee. I want to be Samantha Bee. I think she’s the funniest person on television. Which is why I jumped at the opportunity to apply for her mentorship program. It would have given me a chance to spend a night every week with the writers of her show and time on the set of another show from her parent company. (Shows like “Broad City” and “Difficult People.”)

All they wanted was a cover letter and a three-page packet of written comedy, which I put together and sent them.

But I didn’t get in.

Er, well, I didn’t get rejected. Not yet at least. But it’s been about a month and I haven’t heard a word from them either way. And I’m ever the pessimist, I guess.

Point is: I think these are some good jokes. And I wanted them to be seen by someone other than an indifferent intern. So the five of you will do.

I Had Feminism Completely Wrong Until This Drunk Guy Explained it To Me at a Party
I thought it was about providing opportunity to those not as privileged as able-bodied white men, but this able-bodied white man told me to stop talking so he could tell me I was wrong for 20 minutes.

“Work Hard, Play Hard” Captions Photo of a Man On His Father’s Yacht
Area man, David Westchester, posted a shirtless photo on his Instagram. The focus was on his abs, which were created with help from a $400/week trainer. He was holding aloft a bottle of Dom Pérignon after a harrowing 30-hour work week at the job his father got him.

Things He Hears When You Say “No” (Hint: None of Them are No!)
One of them is just a confirmation of his every deepest physical insecurity, even though it’s impossible you’d know that since you literally just met him.

“I’m at the Gym,” Cackles Father Wildly Misinterpreting Study that Says Drinking Wine Is Like Going to Gym
Area father, John Morgan, has nearly finished a bottle of malbec after seeing a headline that stated drinking red wine was better than going to the gym. When asked whether he read the article, he said, “What’s it to you?”

Island Overrun with White Women Writing About Quitting Their Job and Moving to Island
Upper class white women have been moving in droves to a remote island convinced that happiness can be found working for $10 and hour at an ice cream shop. “If I can do it,” said one woman, “Anyone can leave their Ivy League-education and $95,000 salary in the past.”