Struggling Startup Replaces Core Value “Family” With “Revenue”

Andy Jiang
Jan 24, 2018 · 1 min read

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — The executive team of struggling startup replaced one of its core values “Family” with “Revenue”.

“We wanted to demonstrate more seriousness in finding our path to growth and profitability,” co-founder and CEO Bill Stedler told reporters. “We just need to remind everyone that while treating everyone as family is important, revenue growth is actually a tiny bit more important.”

“Too often, our decisions erred on the side of helping and supporting each other as team mates instead of focusing on immediately doubling or tripling revenue,” VP of People Operations Carol Steinkatz said. “Fortunately, this problem is as fixable as updating our Core Values to reflect the company we want to build.”

The company’s social gatherings that once emphasized celebrated individual team mates have since been replaced with extra mandatory work hours focused purely on finding ways to grow revenue. “They’ve even gotten rid of the beer fridge,” software engineer Jackson Kim lamented. “It’s now full of post-it notes and staplers.”

At press time, it was reported that another core value “Be a Decent Human Being” was rumored to be replaced by the new, and curiously specific, “Inexplicably Lay Off Jackson”.

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