VC denies his history of overt sexism by sexually assaulting his first male founder

PALO ALTO, CA — Martin Jones, senior managing partner of Hexadecimal Ventures, denies his history of overt sexism by sexually assaulting his first male founder. Jones, who has received numerous criticisms for making unwanted sexual advances towards women, dismissed all attacks on his character by announcing that his most recent investment in Mama Bird’s Series A involved him giving the all male founding team “a round of deserving hand jobs.”

“See? I don’t treat women differently,” Jones claimed, while admitting to his nonconsensual sexual advances in a professional setting to both women and men. “I’d like to reiterate that, while the tech industry has a terrible reputation for sexism and unfair treatment of women, this abhorrent behavior is absent at Hexadecimal Ventures, since I selfishly leverage my position of power for unwelcome sexual coercions and impositions on women and men both.”

Even his partner at Hexadecimal, Paulson Chew, came to his defense. “I saw him touch each man,” Chew hesitantly told incredulous reporters. “[Jones] made me watch.”

When asked about the future of his career and the firm, Jones insisted that his soon-to-close deals are all subject to equal predatory behavior and provocative messages. “Not only do I relentlessly proposition both female and male founders to meet me for professional guidance at 2am in my bedroom, but also I threaten that if they ever tell anyone, then I’ll see to it that they will never find work ever again,” Jones defended, suggesting that his ruthless threats of defamation are also unbiased towards a specific gender.

At press time, Jones was seen amending his “male founders” term sheet template to match that of his “female founders” term sheet by including an explicit clause for reciprocating sexual favors.

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