Know Your Anime Diseases — Part 2

Apr 2 · 7 min read

Time for a second diagnosis of terminal anime pathology. I hope you’re up to date on the previous study guide, Part 1 (here). Nurse Minene will test you later, and will be very unhappy with scores less than 100%.

As before, This article is heavily based on a thread begun by user Dai. Without his consent and creativity, this article could not have existed. Thanks also to the other users whose edited contributions comprise much of the following article, each are credited at the end of their respective sections.

Hypnotised Eye Disorder

This condition affects anime characters who have been hypnotised or forcibly deprived of emotion via trauma, resulting in the loss of their eyes’ reflective properties and pupillary disappearance. One of the more benign anime diseases, it resolves once normal mental function resumes. No eye drops required. (Dai)

Vibrating Eye Disorder

Not to be confused with the above Hypnotised Eye Disorder, this is a common, persistent condition that affects anime characters during times of emotional stimulation, causing their eyes to vibrate for several seconds. This may be just the iris or, in more extreme cases, the entire eye socket (the biomechanics of the latter are poorly understood). The disorder is especially common in low-budget anime, where the vibrating eyes may be the only facial motion the individual is capable of aside from opening their mouth to speak. Treatment is prohibitively expensive, as it requires raising the anime’s budget to the point where actual facial expressions can be animated. (Dai)

Extreme Ocular Hypertrophy (Terrifyingly Huge Anime Eyes)

See “Moe’’ in Part 1. Sufferers are typically young girls with hideously malformed facial features, eyes like saucers — watery and shining with multiple complex light-reflections convulsing on their corneas. Unfortunately the eyes become so unfeasibly massive that they fill most of the available intracerebral space, causing the brain to atrophy and intelligence to plummet. Often these poor wretches exhibit childlike speech with meaningless recursive patterns — endlessly repeated “cute” catch phrases that are a sign that their brain is irreversibly damaged and that death is imminent. (Doctorkev)

Lacrimosa oblivium

A surprisingly common condition where an anime character develops partial numbness regarding their own emotions.

This inexplicable detachment is triggered by the unrecognised onset of profound sadness, which causes the sufferer to experience sudden total unawareness of their own emotional state. Curiously, the individual’s involuntary physical responses, such as lacrimation, remain unaffected.

The sufferer is usually only alerted to their condition by a concerned friend or relative, by the sight of their own tears dripping onto a neighboring surface such as a sentimental hand-written letter or, in the most hysterical cases, their own meal at the dinner table. “Why am I crying?” is the most common verbal reaction.

In the most extreme recorded case, the so-called “Rei Ayanami” variation, the affected adolescent individual apparently shed tears for the first time in her life. (Neil. T)

Non-athlete’s Foot

This hereditary condition afflicts almost every anime girl, making it impossible for them to run without falling over. The only known cure is to join the high school track team. Some sufferers have been known to enter temporary remission while participating in the sports day relay, but this is unreliable. Temporary relief can be gained by running with a slice of toast in the mouth, but this only replaces the risk of falling with the inevitability of colliding with their future love interest. (Dai)

Name Vocalisation Syndrome

Believed to be a sub-type of Tourette Syndrome, this condition causes anime characters to say the name of their most significant other on an abnormally frequent basis, be that their loved one or mortal enemy. When agitated, the sufferer may shout the name repeatedly, which can cause an infinite feedback loop if both people involved in the exchange have this condition (see case file: Akira, 1988). In the most extreme cases, the sufferer’s vocabulary may atrophy to the point where their enemy’s name is the only word they are able to say. (Dai)

Cranial Tetra-Neko-Aural Anomaly

The inexplicable existence of normal human ears on the side of catgirls’ heads. They have apparently functional ears sticking up through their hair. What possible evolutionary need could there be for a quadrilateral aural positioning system? Do all catgirls share these accessory features or is it a rare mutation? Whether they have equivalent feline polymammarism is up for debate, but if real cats have 8 nipples, then why don’t cat girls tend to have 8 breasts..? (Doctorkev)

Severe Catboi Fascination

Not a disease of an anime character so much as a pathology triggered in previously vanilla male anime weebs upon exposure to horny catbois, infecting them with perverse sexual fluidity, ruining them for (admittedly unlikely) marriage. Unless prospective brides are willing to wear furry cat ears and engage in “heavy pegging”. (Doctorkev)

Pastel-colour Paralysis

This condition strikes suddenly at dramatic moments, causing the afflicted anime character to cease all movement and turn into a pastel-coloured painting. Risk factors for a bout of this condition include shouting at someone, calling out the name of a deceased loved one, or close proximity to crashing waves. Particularly common among characters in Osamu Dezaki anime. (Dai)

Tomino’s Labu-labu Syndrome

This dangerous condition manifests in any individuals who fall in love in a Yoshiyuki Tomino anime. The interaction between the pheromones of the two individuals causes erosion of the plot armour layer of the epidermis, and increases the electro-magnetic field of their bodies to the point that bullets and explosive devices are drawn towards them. The condition typically becomes fatal within three episodes, but may be as little as one episode depending on Tomino’s mood. (Dai)

Geriatric Cryptololibodyhabitus

The credulity-straining claim that the majority of absurdly sexualised childlike “loli” characters are “legal” because they are in fact immortal vampires/witches/elves/ghosts/reincarnated princesses hundreds of years old and therefore completely acceptable for clammy weebs to fondle their figmas and nendoroids without fear of retribution from the authorities. Unless said weeb is Australian. (Doctorkev)

Terminal Perverse Loliphilia

A more disturbing condition, related to the above Geriatric Cryptololibodyhabitus but involving an adult anime character lusting after a child anime character. Usually a sad indictment of Japanese culture and its sexualisation of minors. No wonder their birth rate is falling when women over the age of 12 are considered “over the hill”. These characters, whether male or female, require immediate and everlasting chemical castration and to be permanently removed from the vicinity of minors. (Doctorkev)

Anatomical Schizophrenic Chibicosis

An anime-endemic disease that physically alters the entire body, instantly transforming characters into deformed, shrunken, high-pitched (chibi) forms. Usually short-lived, it persists at most only 3–10 seconds. There is no incubation period; symptoms may recur repeatedly and without warning, triggered by bouts of stress or strong emotions. There is no cure for this condition. Prevention is key — becoming a character in any romantic comedy anime is to be avoided at all costs. Also known as Kimi Ni Todoke Syndrome. (Girls With Guns)

Thanks again to Dai, WMD, Neil. T and Girls With Guns for their consent to have their contributions adapted for this article.

If you have experience in diagnosing other anime diseases, please feel free to leave your wisdom in the comments for our education and edification.

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