I Want M(Oreo): It’s Holiday Cheereo
The holidays often bring out the best in new snack flavors: from peppermint candy cane ice cream to gingerbread everything, I’m here for it. So, of course, I’m going to try whatever concoctions Oreo puts out for the season. But, first, let’s address the cookie elephant in the room: Oreo decided to not put the Gingerbread Oreos out this year. A travesty. A mockery of everything I’ve ever done for Oreo. I didn’t know something I love could hurt me so much. What did they put out? Well, their limited edition White Fudge-Covered Oreos are back again this year, the vibrantly red glow of their Holiday Joy Oreos have returned, and also something new….What’s this the Oreo Snowball? How cute. But, what is this Snowball’s chance in Hell?
Turns out: pretty freaking good, since it is in fact a direct creation of Hell itself???! I mean that’s probably a slight exaggeration. But when I say that this was the most unpleasant Oreo I’ve eaten I am not lying. No, it’s not the weird sensory out-of-bodyness of the Brookie-O. Instead, it’s just… really gross?
Technically all of the components are there. It comes in a cute snowflake-shaped plastic box and each snowball (in packs of four) is wrapped in shiny blue foil. I even exclaimed, “look at how cute it is!” as I was unpacking them. I was ready to be courted, to fall in love with these Oreos, to forgive the lack of gingerbread. I had a full heart, open eyes — it couldn’t lose.
Unwrapping the foil from the Snowballs revealed a milk chocolate outer molded shell, complete with decorations on it. I was still being pulled in by its elaborate ruse. The box illustration had promised that the inside would be filled with a creamy filling flecked with bits of Oreo wafer cookie. Kind of like an Oreo take on the Kinder Joy Egg. I could dig it.
However, taking the first bite culminated in what can only be described as being very similar to the moment when everyone is laughing at the mess hall table of the Nostradamus right before the little baby alien bursts out of John Hurt’s chest. It’s all good humor, the danger has passed, and then Hurt coughs, and suddenly the tone shifts definitively. When the chocolate shell bent inwards in my mouth like softened plastic, rather than crunching or breaking or even melting, I knew I was no longer in just any sci-fi movie, I was now firmly in sci-fi horror. Okay, maybe the chocolate wasn’t perfect. But there’s still creme-filling right? Don’t throw the baby alien out with the bathwater just yet, right?
The creme-filling I can only describe as something that couldn’t decide between being pudding, liquid, or solid. It was dense and yet also oddly soft. The chunks of wafer cookie (the only saving grace) quickly got buried beneath a cascade of sugary sugary sweetness that tasted of nothing really and yet also managed to not taste good. I say this with the full disclaimer that once a year I enjoy a Cadbury Creme Egg. Like actually enjoy it. I am not the person who would fault a once-a-year Christmas treat for being too sweet if it wasn’t that it also tasted unpleasant.
But…what of your Christmas spirit, you say? Can’t you say anything nice about Oreo’s holiday offerings? Okay, fine. The White Fudge-covered Oreos are perfectly serviceable–they are very, very sweet, but one with a coffee will bear you no ill will. The White Fudge Coating has that weirdly almost waxy texture that for some reason pairs well with Oreos and the Oreo inside is fresh and has a pleasant crunch that contrast with that waxiness. If you must get a Christmas Oreo, then turn to these, the Joy Oreos (which I only avoid because their color is so bright I think it would be my yearly limit of Red #40), or do yourself a favor and see if you can find the Snickerdoodle Oreo — a true champion of Limited Edition Flavors.
Or you can join me in writing a pleading letter about the Gingerbread Oreos. Whatever you please. May you have a Snowball-free and joy-filled holiday season.
