ONOMATOLOGY DEMONOLOGY ANTHOLOGY
Or a Misguided Guide to Demon Guides (and Demons.)
Entry No. 1INTRODUCTION TO DEMONOLOGY INTRODUCTIONS
All great truths begin as blasphemies. — George Bernard Shaw
I will begin by stating that — for reasons that are not entirely relevant now — I own a modest but not insignificant collection of books on demonology.
The more relevant part is that when you say “Wanna talk about demons,” 99% of the time, 99% of people, in 99% of the places where ones hangs, will break off into three groups: (1) the uncomfortable, (2) the confused and (3) the overly excited. None of which, surprisingly, make for good conversation.
But what is the internet for, if not for echo-chamber manifesto soliloquies?
What you should know before we start: sometime between the 1st and 5th[1] centuries CE a man — likely a Greek, Jewish convert to Christianity — sat down to write The Testament of Solomon. Because, as we all know, the legendary temple of Solomon[2] was built by enslaved demons[3] (because why not?) And it was a real hit[4]. Such a hit, in fact, it got several sequels[5], one of which became the most important grimoire in Western history, the Key of Solomon, or Clavicula[6] Salomonis written roughly around the 14th[7] century. This little grimoire started a craze that swept through Europe with a panzer-plague like fury and soon enough there was an ever expanding canon, set of classifications, new compilations and the new art of demonology anthologies. And everyone wanted a piece of the satanic pie. From Johan Weyer[8], to Jacques Auguste Simon Collin de Plancy[9] and good ol’ King James’ himself whose Daemonologie, In Forme of a Dialogue, Divided into three Bookes was published a full fourteen years before his own sponsored translation of the bible.
And these violent delights are without end, but not without their tedium.
So, for your convenience, a list of (ridiculous)[10] demons in no particular order whatsoever, from an occasional blasphemer and demonic revisionist.
[1] Probably.
[2] Of Indiana Jones fame.
[3] Not without first, it should go without saying, doing little jigs for Solomon’s amusement — to prove the efficacy of their enslavement, according to Calvicula Solomanis.
[4] The book, not a demon slavery based economy.
[5] The Lesser Key of Solomon, for example. Now with 20% more demons! Featuring all your favorite demons from Testament of Solomon and some you’ve never even heard of before. With grand total of S-e-v-e-n-t-y-T-w-o deeeeeeemons! (It is also known as the Clavicula Salomonis Regis or the Lemegeton, which is itself divided into five books the Ars Goetia, Ars Theurgia-Goetia, Ars Paulina, Ars Almadel, and Ars Notoria. In case you were wondering. Were you wondering?)
[6] Yes. This is the root word of clavicle. Fun fact: most clavicles, when plucked from below one’s neck easily double as skeleton keys. Try it next time you lock yourself out of your apartment.
[7] Probably.
[8] Pseudomonarchia Daemonum. (Very user friendly.)
[9] Dictionnaire Infernal. (Bit flashy if you ask me.)
[10] Possibly unnecessary parenthesis.
DEMON NUMBER ONE.
(And bonus demon number two.)
Imagine a very large wooden cart wheel. Now remove the steel flat tire, the felloes and the rim. In your mind’s eye you should now see a wooden hub and spokes emerging in all directions, “But how many spokes?” You ask, good question. Five. Five spokes.
Now imagine these are not spokes at all, not a cart wheel at all, but five twitching goat legs awkwardly attached at measure angles to a very angry lion-head hub. A furious, roaring, lion head with sun-beam goat legs emerging from every side.
Say hello to the demon Buer — demon president Buer, to be precise. And why wouldn’t you be precise when you know just how much demons love their titles — Duke Zepar, Prince Vassago, Marquis Marchosias, and of course King/President Zagan[11].
KPZ, as I and, I assume, his close friends call him, is — for the record: (1) a winged bull that “after a while,” according to the Ars Goetia, “turns into a man.” (Why not?) And (2) the holder of some of the least useful X-Men abilities in the whole of the demon-verse.
These include turning water into wine (useful) and wine into water (less useful). And while I applaud the satanic design intuition of being able to reverse a curse (even demons who cannot turn water into wine willi-nilly are bound to accidentally make the wrong man grow a tail every so often), surely only one direction is profitable and satanic in nature, while the other require such a specific set of circumstances that it’s almost impossible to imagine KPZ doing anything but lurking in the shadows of dingy bars snickering as an men try desperately to get drunk on tap water.
But that’s not all, if you call now[12] you can get him with all his detachable-accessory powers.
You thought the wine-water/water-wine trick was fun, wait until you see him turn all your blood into water! Strangely gruesome[13], and still wholly absurd. He may also[14] turn oil into blood, and blood into oil, because — as Mussolini said — “Blood alone moves the wheels of history.” And them wheels need to stay greased.
He can also, “turn all Metals into Coin of the Dominion that Metal is of.”
Translation: turn metal… into metal coins.
Give’em some copper, he can make you a copper coin. Give’em some gold, he can make you gold coins. Give him some tinfoil he’ll make you a tinfoil hat. Just kidding. He’ll make you a tinfoil coin.[15]
This mystical, unfathomable, supernatural demonic power is also called — by us mortals — coin minting. It goes as far back as ancient Egypt, is accomplished daily and in bulk at national mints worldwide, and can be easily accomplished by anyone with moderate metallurgical skills.[16]
But back to Buer.
Apart from awesome cart wheels, what else does Buer have to offer mankind?
Excellent questions, yet again.
In short, if summoned properly Buer promises to instruct the summoner on Natural and Moral Philosophy[17], herbal medicine and logic.
Because there is nothing more logical than asking goat legs piled around a lion’s head to explain what a “red herring” really means.
Questions time.
- What do you think Buer looks like from behind?
2. Are torsos overrated?
3. In a scale of one to ten, how amenable would you be to watching a Ferris Buer’s Day Off remake?
4. Are the people in the online forums merely contemplating summoning Buer, or have they already summoned him and has the water-wine novelty worn off?
5. What type of oil is blood transformed into? (Please take this question seriously. Please do not write: “Extra virgin sacrifice” as a response.)
[11] When calling yourself king of thirty three legions of demons just ain’t enough to impress the ladies at the office.
[12] Though not now-now, obviously, because. As we all know demons have strict bed times and must only be summoned during their respective hours of the day. (See: Ars Goetia.)
[13] The author would like to discourage the reader from pressing medical professional for a precise answer to the direct effects of this transformation as she has experienced less than favorable responses. But she would, however, like to inform the reader that Googling “What would happen if all my blood turned to water,” will lead them to several online forums already devoted to this conundrum.
[14] Depends on which grimoire you are going by, so let’s assume and 50/50 percent chance of getting him to do this.
[15] The text does not specify how he does this, what the metal to coin ratio is, if there are demonic tariffs involved or just how long it takes him to accomplish the task. (The texts, actually say very-very-very little.) I assume people assume magic. But I’m not so inclined. You can’t simply assume magic just because it’s a magic book, that’s like assuming Olympic gymnasts tumble and cartwheel in and out of every room simply because. That’s just silly, Ockham’s razor’s barber shop quartet: he probably melts it down and makes the coins. But I like to imagine that he doesn’t. I like to imagine he chews on the brick of copper or the wad of aluminum until he makes something akin to a coin (the text says very little about the quality of these “Made in Hell” coins) and then he crawls up from the abyss, through your kitchen, into your bedroom, up beside you while you sleep, and — like a fantastically hellish tooth fairy hound — he spits the coins on your pillow for you to find in the morning.
[16] Or purchased for only 8.95 (which includes free shipping!) at www.personalizedcoins.com
[17] Not an isolated case in demonology. Does it make you suspicious of people who are just a little bit too moral?
