9/19/23
Dear God,
Part One-It is time…
Here WE are. I’m walking in a new season of confidence, hope and perserverance. I took a break and put my pen down because I didn’t desire to write anything that was not 100% authentic. I have so long desired a shift in my recountings of our experiences together. I desired my messages to be transparent, honest, raw if you will. I didn’t desire to keep in line with the “happily ever afters” that the flesh loves but instead I felt compelled to share the hardcore truths of living a disciplined lifestyle of faith.
Over the last few weeks I’ve sought your face and surrendered my gift to you with expectation of you transforming my vulnerabilities into hope, inspiration, and encouragement for others. As always, you didn’t fail me, and here I am now. More seasoned and ready to speak of your goodness, your mercy, and your love.
Over the past few weeks I’ve done quite a bit of repenting and renouncing and have ultimately been delivered from so much that is not of you. I was inudated with so much fear. I realized I cannot be who you’ve called me to be constantly looking over my shoulder. Fear of man was no longer taking the backseat but rather driving me to my wits end. I had let a spirit of dread ensnare me for too long. I had ultimately become paralyzed because of the expectations of others. I had to make the decision to be freed from the clutches of anxiety and brave the new thing that you have so long desired to birth through me.
I remember sitting in a chair at my kitchen table before you, prepared. Battle ready. Sleeves rolled up in anticipation of another wrestling match. Honestly, I’ve grown partial to them. Your wrestling with Jacob holds a special place in my heart. The inevitability of you pinning me yet me still being the victor of the breakthrough always leaves me in awe of you. I recall that match starting like countless others. Me with my usual pursuit, teeth gritted, and determination etched on my face as I sought to last each round but on this night as I sat in that chair at that table across from you I came to understand that I had no fight left within me.
How long have I fought you?
I remember in the days leading up to our meeting at the table, I had begun to withdraw from everyone. I had become numb to every habitual norm. As I began to embrace the separation in the sanctification process, I was not only becoming more cognizant of the call you have on my life but also of the ways that I had been failing to answer it. You began bringing clarification to my purpose and at the same time magnifying the ways in which I had shied away from walking in it. You gracefully let me know in order for me to be who you created me to be that I could no longer be who I had been.
I knew that I could not rise from that chair in which I sat that night at that table across from you, the same person. The only way that was going to take place was for me to do something different. So instead of fighting I surrendered. I opened my mouth and said to you, “I know you know everything that I am about to say. You have already heard my every thought. Tonight God, I would like to be vulnerable with you.”
As always there’s more to come but until then YOUR DAUGHTER.
