The Tears of God?
2/20/2023
Father,
Lover of my soul. My how I love thee.
I can barely contain the excitement. Oh, for my fingers to type as swift as my thoughts. Maybe one day but alas. I’m just filled with so much joy from the moments you and I have recently shared.
A few evenings ago, I was wrapping up a vacation with my children. This one was not much different from the others in the sense of knowing I’d need another vacation to recover from the one that was about to end. Vacations as a single mother of two can be quite the task but I know your grace is there even in the getaways.
What was not there in the late night of the last evening’s stay was gratitude and understanding from my children. Even though I raise both of my son’s to be grateful, obedient and compassionate my 9-year-old and 2-year-old decided to push back at an already later than normal bedtime request and boy did it really hit me.
After mumbles from them and a reprimand from me I went to the other side of our hotel room’s partition and burst into tears. Do they ever appreciate anything I do?
“Lord, I met every desire they had on this trip and now I’m met with grumblings of displeasure. Don’t they know how hard it is to keep two eyes on two children that are constantly going in two different directions?”
I could go on. Goodness knows I did and then my flesh kicked in and I got hot!
“How dare they treat me this way?! I’m taking everything back! Lord, they have no idea what I go through.”
Before long I could hear nothing but “I” and “me” coming out of my carnal mind and we both know meditating on those kinds of thoughts could potentially open me up to pride if I’m not mindful of what I’m thinking so, by your grace alone I made the decision to just acknowledge my hurt and surrender it to you. I just knew you were going to come swooping in like “Super Dad” and hit me with a “There, there daughter. They were wrong.”
NOPE!
First thing I heard was, “Victoria, (the name my Heavenly Father calls me) how many times have I asked you to do something that you gave me push back on?”
My flesh was not about to be appeased and I felt a dying to self-moment coming in hot and heavy. Man, I tried to melt into that sleeper sofa! That conviction kicked in and I couldn’t dodge it if I tried.
“Yes, God I know but…”
“But what? You’re about to tell me that you are always obedient and meeting those moments with expediency?”
Then you laughed. You chuckled right in my tear-soaked face. But as you did, I could feel your sweet presence envelope me even the more as you said, “You haven’t always no but you sure are getting better at it and guess what? They will too.”
Your compassion had me on my knees.
You reminded me that I am training them up in the way they should go (Proverbs 22:6) just as your word instructs me to do and that in that training there will be moments of correction. You didn’t excuse their behavior, but you did take the time to highlight an opportunity for growth for all of us. You reminded me that just like myself they are growing and learning how to yield to the spirit of obedience. You guided me right out of harm's way and kept me from becoming prideful, vindictive or bitter. You encouraged me to be compassionate and use this lesson to develop my faith in trusting and leaning on you.
But our evening together didn’t end there. Between the hormones, vacation fatigue and the easing sting of what had just taken place I still lay down with tears in my eyes. As I did, I began to hear my favorite scripture rising out of my spirit ever so gently, “He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds” (Psalm 147:3) before I drifted off into the sweet sleep you so gingerly provide.
The very next morning I woke up with a burning in my heart. The desire to quench the burning was barely containable. I sat up slowly and then asked you with such humility.
“Father, do you cry?”
I was floored. How could I have never wondered such a thing? I was embarrassed that I had never wondered let alone asked. I was a bit puzzled by my newfound curiosity but then I remembered the night before as I cried, I tried soothing myself thinking Jesus Himself had wept and so this expression of emotion was nothing my Saviour had not known before and what better company than Christ’s to find yourself in?
Then it hit me.
John 5:19 Then answered Jesus and said unto them, Verily, verily, I say unto you, The Son can do nothing of himself, but what he seeth the Father do: for what things soever he doeth, these also doeth the Son likewise.
My heart had never felt so gripped. Father, if Jesus only did what He saw you do, does that mean He has seen you cry?
I was speechless. I don’t think I can remember a time where I desired to just reach out and love on you so much. It’s usually me desiring your touch but in this sobering moment you became so real to me. The intimacy that we’ve been developing in our relationship was closer than close in that moment. The Bible tells us that you laugh (Psalm 2:4) and that we can grieve the Holy Spirit (Ephesians 4:30) so you’re not void of expression so…maybe just maybe you’ve cried?
Matthew 27:46 KJV And about the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, saying, Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani? that is to say, My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?
Forgive my boldness, Father, but if there ever was a moment to cry surely this one was such the opportune time. Just the thought of your Son there separated from you on that Cross, crying out because of my sins had me weeping. Goodness knows I’m crying now. One day I’ll publish something that isn’t tear soaked. This is not that day.
That moment solidified within me my desire to go deeper with you. Honestly, I’m not even sure I could handle the answer, but I truly believe you allowing me to even wander about you in such an intimate way has me humbled in a way I’ve never been before. And for that, I am eternally grateful.
And I for one am ecstatic that I have all eternity to continue to Seek Your Face and the answer and that’s exactly what I intend to do, tear-soaked or otherwise.
Love Always
Scriptures Referenced
Proverbs 22:6 KJV Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it
Psalm 147:3 KJV He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds.
Psalm 2:4 ESV He who sits in the heavens laughs; the Lord holds them in derision.
Ephesians 4:30 KJV And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption.
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