I’m Not Fucking Negotiating, I’m Leaving
Thanks for the Ride Bitches, I’m Out
I never thought I’d say this, but I’m kind of over this website. I went through a bunch of comments I’ve been receiving lately and honestly…I just don’t care to be the white woman whisperer anymore.
I’ve spent I don’t know how many hours telling white people how to be better people, and far too many of you only hear the “white people” part.
You ignore the rest of everything I have to say because you immediately feel the need to be offended before I’ve even finished speaking.
I thought maybe one day things would change and I’d find more people like me, Black, Biracial, non-binary, femme presenting, but nope. Not here, just white people telling me I’m stupid. Dumb. Crazy. Anti-semetic, on and on and on, very rarely do I get posts encouraging me, pushing me forward or trying to respond with kindness.
Almost always, it’s an attack, and I am just tired of being stabbed for free. I don’t get paid for any of the work I post here, not a single dime. In fact, I’ve put more money into Medium than I’ve ever received, and frankly, I am just over it.
So I am going to greener pastures where I can control what I say and the audience who reads my work. From now on, I’ll be writing on Loud Mouth Brown Girl dot com and Ko-fi exclusively.
I want to get paid for the work that I put into the world. And I also want to spend more time talking about Mental Health than I do about racism and politics. I don’t find it fun or thrilling to write here, so peace out bitches, I’m done.
I think after eight years of producing podcasts, essays, books, videos, and all kinds of other content, it’s time for me to get serious about the work I am putting into the world.
I am no longer just ranting at the world. I want to make a point with my work. I want to be like bell hooks when I grow up, who sees the world from a Black lens first, and everything else second.
I have to be. Because as much as I can scream “I’m Biracial” at the top of my lungs, the white supremacists and zionists aren’t going to treat me any better because my mother is white, unless she’s there to protect me. And even that is not a guarantee of my safety.
I need to be emotionally intelligent about the work that I am putting into the world now. I might have mental health issues, and I might live with schizophrenia, but that doesn’t mean that I have to continue to live in chaos.
That includes my digital platform. I will not be deleting any of the essays I’ve written here because I feel that would invalidate my work. But I am definitely not going to be writing here very often.
I can’t say I’ll never come back and write here, but for right now, Medium is not the space in which I want my voice to rise. It’s just not.
For all the reasons I’ve listed above and more, it’s time for me to build something for Loud Mouth Brown Girl that allows me to do all the things that lovely, pretty, happy, Black girls get to do with their time.
Like pay for my own fucking food, or rent, or hell my God damned fucking nails. Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve had nails done for me? Had my hair done and my head or hands massaged? Jesus H. Christ in dementia, I need help, and I am not going to find it here, where everyone would rather center their whiteness than try to understand my pain.
Yes, I am a woman. But not because I want to be. Yes, I am Black, but not because I want to be. Yes, I am a Black woman, because this is the choice that was made for me at birth and my entire life has been about learning to accept that I can’t change the same shit that is being used as a weapon to try and destroy me.
I can’t end white supremacy on my own, but I sure as fuck can take myself off the battle field when it means that I am protecting my peace.
To every person who offered me a comment, who read my posts, who clapped even once, thank you. You’ve taught me so much about the kind of person I want to be, about the kind of legacy I want to leave behind, about the work I want to produce.
I want to be better, I want to earn the right to have your dollar in my pocket. I want to spend it in ways that make me happy and you proud. I want to be worthy. And I am going to be.
With every fibre in my being, hear me when I say, thank you for reading.
I want to pause and thank the editors of Another Fucking Publication, for all the work they have done and for allowing me to grace their pages with my ramblings. Many of the women behind this pub are white, and for them to put their whiteness aside so that I can get real about my Blackness is what allyship is about.
This platform and the readers are fucking amazing. Many of you disagree with me, but even in the disagreement, you took the time to comment. I made you feel something enough that you just HAD to speak up. So I fucking win. I loved being here, I loved developing my voice, and I hope you will follow me into the next phase of my writing journey.
If our path ends here, then know this. I am grateful to you. I loved you, I fucking hated you, but I kept writing no matter what you said because you gave me an audience who wanted more even when they hated on me.
Thank you. Thank you to Nada Chehade, , , , , , , , , and so many others who have inspired my voice, taught me how to cultivate an audience, and when to keep my fucking mouth shut.
Y’all have been real and great, I hope you’ll follow me, my links are below. I am sending love to all of you who read my work and dared to comment, if I didn’t respond its probably because I was too fucking high, not because I didn’t notice you.
For the last time on this platform, I am
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall, The Original Loud Mouth Brown Girl
