2017 10 15: I Love Him
There’s this guy at my school. His name — or his fake name at least — is Sebastian.
I fell in love with him a few months back, and I told him about it a moth later.
He, as per usual with all of the other guys I have liked, was not gay. He was fine with it at first, but then he told a lot of people about it.
Luckily, Sebastien is two grades below me, so none of the people in my grade heard about it. But he was still telling people. According to the person who told me about this, he was “talking behind my back about it”. This was all the information I had received. There was no indication whatsoever of if he was being rude about it, or just talking about it.
I pulled him aside and told him to stop, he stopped.
Though not completely. He told the principal, Ms. Jones, about what was going on. I was pulled aside during lunch by her to talk about what was going on. Sebastien was not there.
“So, it has occurred to me that someone has told me that you have made some unwanted sexual advances on. Do you have any idea who that might be?” Ms. Jones asked.
“Yeah,” I paused. “Sebastien?”
“Yes. He has come to me about what has been going on, and has told me that you made some sexual comments about him.”
“Okay…” I became more confused.
“I am obliged to tell you to stop, though there will be no reprocussions”
“Okay.” I said semi-firmly.
“And to be clear Anthony, this is strictly between us, I have not told anyone else.”
“That will be all, you may return to your lunch now.”
That was two weeks after I told him I like him. The important details are not in the conversation — nor anything I have already told you, but what I am about to tell you.
I still like him.
No seriously — I love him.
And that makes me a bit crazy.
I still fantasize about him. Hell, I had a literal dream about me fucking him. I still look at him impulsively, I jerk of to erotic images of him in my mind, I stay close to him whenever possible.
And he does not know about this. Nobody knows about this, except you, and you have no idea who I am.
I feel really fucking horrible right now.
I have never had a friend until two months ago, I have never liked someone who has liked me. I am seriously lonely, and it has effects: I cannot stop liking Sebastien because my mind forces me to trick myself into thinking he likes me because without it, I will be plunged into depression that is really hard to get out of.
That happened before, with John. I went insane because I forced myself to believe the fact that he didn’t like me.
A little over a week ago, I asked Nihal out. She said yes.
Notice the “she”.
In order for me to stop liking Sebastien, I need to have some kind of friend that I see for more than half an hour a day.
I do not like Nihal at all, I only chose her because it was the highest chance that she would like me back.
But that’s a topic for another day.
Until next time.