Book Me — Jean-Claude Van Damme — For Your Charity Event Today
Hi, I’m Jean-Claude Van Damme. You recognise me from the hit movies Bloodsport, Kickboxer, and Double Impact, which made $100 million at the box office. Sure, I’m a global movie star with bulges in all the right places, but did you know I’m also a philanthropist who can make your charity event the talk of the town?
I’ve been the star guest for hundreds of events. My act is impeccable. I tell show-stopping stories, recite crackerjack anecdotes, offer photo opportunities, but most importantly, and I cannot stress the gravity of this, I do the splits.
Sure, people throw their heads back and slap each others’ knees during my speeches. Their eyes become bright and glossy and in some cases they reach out to grasp me. But they have no idea that I’m just limbering them up for the main event; preparing them for the marvel about to follow. When they’re fully primed and just about ready to burst with suppressed applause, I pull out two chairs, place a heel on each, and turn myself into a human t-bone. The act sends shockwaves through the audience, and as they stand transfixed, my crotch hovering half a metre from the stage, they’re asked to make a pledge to the foundation, when they’re too stupefied to be logical and too vulnerable to be frugal.
