Neighbourhood Watch Report #5000
I am delighted to be submitting my five-thousandth neighbourhood watch report — a symbolic act of dedication to keeping my neighbours safe.
But delight doesn’t keep the rapists at the door, so I am burying the emotion to make space for more sobering feelings, especially in light of this week’s alarming events.
Firstly, around sunbreak on Monday morning, as I was sipping my decaf cappuccino and diligently observing the street’s happenings from my daughter’s second-level bedroom, I noticed that every single bin had been carefully placed by the kerb in anticipation of the bin men at 7am.
Except number 13’s bin. Theirs was missing. And I know Maggie well enough to know that she never misses bin day (not since a prawn-head laden-load had been forgotten and caused the Great Maggot Explosion of July 2023).
What could possibly have happened to Maggie’s bin? Had it been stolen right from her doorstep by some kind of nefarious bin-peddling gang? What might they take next? Maggie’s blue Suzuki Swift? Her letterbox? Maggie herself? You just don’t know these days.
Later that day, as I was fertilising my immaculate front lawn (it’s a great excuse to keep a look-out), I noticed a telecomms technician working in one of the access pits across the road. Except he wasn’t the usual telecomms man — the…
