Being Ok In The Grey

Most people don’t like ambiguity. Being subject to circumstances beyond your control can be uncomfortable and frustrating. But for people with a mental illness, ambiguity can be fucking mayhem.

I can only speak for myself here.

When it comes to uncertainty, my mind only sees in black and white. There is no grey. There’s no room for perspective, understanding, or further exploration. It’s either one extreme or the other and both are shitty. Thoughts run riot and it’s difficult to reign them in. The longer you’re in limbo, the harder you spiral.

Ambiguity can be fertile ground in which suicidal ideation can grow. I don’t have control of my own mind most of the time, so pair that with some uncontrollable outside shit, and you’ve got yourself a meltdown.

For those of you who’ve never experienced this, you may be thinking “well, this all sounds very dramatic” to which I’d say “don’t talk to me”. I know the difference between being a messy bitch who lives for drama and being someone with a mental illness because I’m both, motherfucker.

Not being able to deal with ambiguity in a healthy way is exhausting. I have depression and anxiety running in the background most of the time. But throw in some doubt, and everything goes from 0–60 real quick. Like, you climbed that tree so fast but now you don’t know how to get down. I can barely deal with my everyday, value anxiety let alone this new, turbo anxiety 3000.

I don’t have a solution for how to deal with any of this. The only thing that helps me is making small plans or setting simple goals for myself. Doing things only I can control or complete. To clarify, I’m not a ‘control freak’, I need structure to survive, to help navigate the gauntlet that is my mental illness.

Until then, I’’ll keep working on my shit. Keep working on being better. Keep working on being ok in the grey.