Microkindness — how to reclaim the way we see the world
I woke up on a Spring morning to crushing chest pain. I couldn’t get back to sleep that night, not right away at least, and was restless for the next couple of days.
My doctor did some tests and found nothing wrong with my body. He sent me to a mental health clinic. The psychologist I met there was soft-spoken and polite; I told him what was happening. He had me sit down in front of a computer with a 300 question assessment, then told me to come back in a few days.
When I came back we looked the results over with a nurse and he said, “It’s my opinion that you have Bipolar Type II.”
My friends and family didn’t agree with the psychologist’s assessment. To this day I hear, “you don’t have bipolar.” I don’t fit the mold of what a bipolar person is: I identify as extroverted. I’m an ENFP on the Myers-Briggs. I can talk someone’s ear off. I’m the drunk-flushed mess at house parties.
My condition shows itself in mixed affective states, or mixed manic. Mixed mania has everything:
- the fatigue, depression, and morbid thoughts of lows
- the irritability, fidgeting and poor impulse control of highs.
A hallmark of bipolar is black and white thinking. Everything is either fantastic or life ruining. My brain has a hard time understanding that the lack of emojis in a coworker’s message isn’t the end of my career.
After my assessment, I was wallowing in my diagnosis and unable to think positively when I got an email from a team member. Inside was a collection of personal stories from times they had struggled in their lives, particularly with anxiety. One of the stories contained the following.
“After a crippling anxiety attack last night (probably my worst in like 6 months or so), I realized that I haven’t actually stopped thinking about work for like, weeks.”
The concept that a person who seemed so put together could admit to issues like the ones I was facing was mindblowing. I thanked him and he came back to me with a simple reply, that he was still struggling but was getting better every day. The reply was less than 25 words, but it changed my level of self-acceptance. I retell the story of that email chain as a life altering experience.
What my co-worker did for me was a microkindness. These are small actions that come naturally to most people, things like:
- Complimenting someone
- Smiling when you accidentally make eye contact
- Holding a door open
- Saying “thank you” to the bus driver
- Putting your phone away while you’re talking to a cashier
Everything came a tiny bit easier going forward. I started being open about what I was feeling. I talked publicly about my struggles with medication and when I was having a hard time leaving my house. People I knew started coming to me to talk about how they felt, or engaged with each other on my Facebook statuses.
Before this, I’d attack myself if my mood started to turn. If a saw a female friend post a cute picture of themselves I’d start listing the ways I’d never be like that until I was lying alone in the dark, praying for sleep.
I challenged myself to leave a nice comment on photos like that. It turns out almost everyone will look at pictures of people they find beautiful, then be hard on themselves. Those women starting messaging me or posting on my own photos with the same sweet comments. Being kinder changed those relationships; other women were always my competition before. Now I wanted to take 5 seconds to offer them some positive energy.
We all have a different idea of when what will satisfy us. Comparing our progress to that of other people makes it easy to get caught up in feelings of jealousy and failure. Your record morning run becomes hollow when you see a friend running a half-marathon. You might feel inclined to point out the flaws in your buddy, or to concede defeat. I’ll never get there.
When we’re looking down on ourselves is a prime time to act with kindness. The target of your aggression set their goals and had to work to get there. Tell them that you’re proud and amazed by their accomplishment. Ask them if they have any tips. Invest yourself in the momentary exploration of something that they’re working towards and what makes them happy.
With microkindness, you’re not doing it to improve the relationship between you and another person, you’re doing it to improve the relationship between that person and themselves. Sharing moments of human connection can alter a person’s outlook in ways that neither you or they will realize until one day they wake up accepting an extra piece of who they are.
The pull to be toxic when I’m in my low moods is real, sometimes unshakeable. All I can do is remember what a small gesture can do for my day and apply that effort to someone else. Your success is doesn’t become invalid when you see someone else’s. You’re not ugly just because someone else is beautiful. There are areas between black and white, even if they’re hard to see.
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Just wanted to add that you’re doing great today. You’re living, breathing, and sometimes that seems like it’s not enough, but you’re doing your best. Keep at it.
🙌🏻
