Being in an oppressive marriage life for years?

Sheetal sat alone in her small kitchen, her weary eyes staring blankly at the stove. At sixty years old, she had hesitated to share the details that had been eating her alive since the day she had married. With her two sons settled in the USA, she felt an overwhelming sense of loneliness in her hometown. Her husband had recently retired from his teaching profession, yet instead of enjoying their golden years together, she found herself spending the majority of her waking hours inside the kitchen.

From the crack of dawn until late in the evening, Sheetal tirelessly cooked her husband three meals a day. She meticulously made his coffee, prepared snacks at home, and even squeezed fresh juice and made soup with love. As the steam from the pots slowly enveloped her, she couldn’t help but wonder how her life had ended up like this. Her husband sat on the sofa all day long, engrossed in the latest television shows or snoring away lazily. He ate, he pooped, he showered, he ate again, and then he napped and slept, as if caught in an endless cycle. Sheetal’s heart ached at this sight, yearning for a connection that seemed to have long since faded away.

But it wasn’t just the physical exhaustion of her daily routine that wore her down. Her controlling husband constantly criticized her food and dressing sense, undermining her efforts and diminishing her self-confidence. He never allowed her to have friends, let alone talk to them on the phone. Sheetal felt trapped in a life devoid of companionship and support, unable to share her joys or sorrows with anyone else. She was jealous of her sisters and cousins, who lived comfortably and had loving relationships with their spouses. She longed for the freedom they possessed to be themselves, to express their true desires and make decisions independently.

It was the relationship her sons had with their wives that further fueled her envy and frustration. She watched from afar as her daughters-in-law confidently made independent decisions, only informing their husbands about what they had already decided. They had the freedom to wear whatever they pleased, radiating a sense of self-assuredness that Sheetal craved. As she witnessed her sons actively taking care of their kids, she couldn’t help but feel a pang of jealousy towards her daughters-in-law, who seemed to effortlessly balance their personal and familial responsibilities.

In her envy and resentment, Sheetal began to harbor toxic thoughts. Behind her daughter-in-law’s backs, she created one-sided stories, painting herself as the innocent victim and them as the villains. She craved validation and a sympathetic ear, fostering a toxic environment within her family. Her husband, who cared little about her own needs and desires, suddenly became a pillar of support when it came to criticizing their daughters-in-law. They formed an unlikely team, uniting against any possible threat to their fragile sense of control.

What could’ve gone wrong with Sheetal?

In a society dominated by patriarchal values and traditional gender roles, many women find themselves trapped in controlling and oppressive marriages. One such woman, 60-year-old Sheetal, represents a paradigm of this unfortunate reality. With little exposure to the outside world, Sheetal’s knowledge of the world is limited, and her social interactions remain confined to family events and functions. Despite visiting her sons in the USA, she struggles to form a rapport with her daughters-in-law due to their stark differences from her.

The daughters-in-law, self-assured and confident, question their husbands, voice their thoughts, and assert their need for personal space when things become overwhelming. These qualities, foreign to Sheetal, make her uncomfortable and wary. She has been conditioned to believe that daughters-in-law should prioritize obedience, speak sparingly, focus on cooking and house chores, and primarily satisfy their husbands in bed. The idea of questioning authority or making independent choices is not only alien to her but also disconcerting.

This clash of values between Sheetal and her daughters-in-law exacerbates the already strained relationships. Initially, Sheetal disliked both girls from the moment her sons introduced them to the family. Their independence intimidated her, as it undermined the power dynamics she had grown accustomed to. Consequently, a series of family conflicts between the parents-in-law and daughters-in-law ensued, reaching a point where all conversation ceased for two years straight. Sheetal, a master manipulator, attempted to sway her sons by fabricating stories of abuse and cruelty inflicted upon her by her daughters-in-law. She played the victim card, painting herself as a pitiful figure who had suffered immeasurably at the hands of her sons’ wives.

At first, her sons fell into her trap, naively believing her tenuous tales of torment. However, as time passed, they began to comprehend that their wives were not the manipulative oppressors their mother described. Instead, they saw that their wives were empowered and clear-headed individuals who had no time for the toxic manipulations of their mother-in-law. Slowly but surely, the sons started to distance themselves from their mother’s narratives, realizing that her embellished stories were detrimental to their relationships and their own emotional well-being.

This realization marked a turning point in the family dynamics. The sons understood the importance of supporting their spouses and affirming their independence. They recognized that the empowerment of their wives did not diminish their own worth, but rather complemented it. The conflict between the generations gradually subsided, and the family began to rebuild the relationships that had faltered under Sheetal’s influence.

Sheetal’s experience is sadly not unique, as countless women around the world find themselves trapped in oppressive marriages due to societal norms. These women often lack exposure to the broader world, confining their social interactions to family gatherings. Moreover, their limited exposure to diverse perspectives inhibits their ability to embrace the changing dynamics of marriage and gender roles.

To address this issue, societies must strive for gender equality and challenge the traditional notions of male dominance and female subservience. Women like Sheetal would benefit from exposure to diverse viewpoints and experiences, empowering them to question and challenge the norms that hold them hostage. Education and awareness play a vital role in facilitating this change, as they expose individuals to a broader spectrum of beliefs, encouraging critical thinking and a more nuanced understanding of gender dynamics.

Sheetal’s story sheds light on the reality faced by many women stuck in controlling marriages. Her limited exposure to the world, coupled with ingrained patriarchal beliefs, hinders her ability to foster healthy relationships. However, through the strength and independence of her daughters-in-law, as well as the growing understanding of her sons, there is hope for change.

It is crucial that society confronts traditional gender roles and works towards empowering women, providing them with the tools to challenge oppressive norms and forge their own path towards equality and autonomy.

What can be done?

Asserting independence and regaining control over one’s life in the face of a controlling spouse can be challenging, but it is possible. Here are some steps Sheetal can take:

Recognize and acknowledge the situation: Sheetal should realize that her husband’s behavior is controlling and understand that she has the right to be independent and make her own decisions.

Build a support network: Sheetal can reach out to friends, family, or support groups who can provide emotional support and advice. Having a support network can provide her with the strength and courage to assert her independence.

Educate herself: Sheetal should educate herself about her rights, both within her relationship and as an individual. This knowledge will boost her confidence and help her make informed decisions.

Set boundaries: Sheetal needs to establish clear boundaries and communicate them to her husband. This involves stating her needs, desires, and what she will not tolerate, firmly and assertively.

Develop personal interests: Sheetal should focus on developing her own hobbies, interests, and goals. This will not only give her a sense of fulfillment but also build her self-esteem and identity.

Seek professional help if necessary: Consulting with a therapist or counselor can provide Sheetal with guidance, emotional support, and practical strategies for dealing with her controlling husband. A professional can also help her navigate any legal or financial complexities.

Develop a safety plan: If Sheetal feels that her safety or well-being is at risk, she should create a safety plan that includes strategies for staying safe and seeking help if necessary. This may involve confiding in a trusted friend or family member, having important documents and emergency funds accessible, and considering options like temporary separation or finding a safe place to stay.

Consider legal advice: In extreme cases, it may be necessary for Sheetal to consult a lawyer to understand her legal options, such as obtaining a restraining order or initiating divorce proceedings.

Please keep it in mind that taking these steps requires strength and courage. Sheetal should prioritize her well-being, safety, and happiness, and not hesitate to seek professional help when needed.

How can therapy help Sheetal find her self-worth?

Seeking professional help, such as therapy or counseling, can have a significant impact on Sheetal’s journey towards asserting her independence and regaining control in her marriage. Here are some possible effects:

Increased self-awareness: Therapy can help Sheetal develop a deeper understanding of her emotions, needs, and desires. By exploring her thoughts and feelings in a supportive and non-judgmental environment, Sheetal can gain clarity about her own values and beliefs. This self-awareness will help her identify areas where she wants to assert her independence and take back control.

Enhanced communication skills: A therapist can teach Sheetal effective communication strategies to express her needs and concerns to her spouse assertively and confidently. Improved communication skills can facilitate meaningful conversations with her partner, enabling them to discuss boundaries, expectations, and areas of compromise in their marriage.

Validating her experiences: In therapy, Sheetal will likely receive validation for her experiences, emotions, and the challenges she is facing in her marriage. This validation can help her regain confidence in herself, trust her own judgment, and recognize that her feelings are valid and important.

Setting boundaries: Through therapy, Sheetal can learn how to establish healthy boundaries within her marriage. This includes learning to say no, identifying behaviors that are unacceptable or disrespectful, and communicating her boundaries clearly and assertively. Setting boundaries is crucial for reclaiming her independence and asserting her needs.

Building self-esteem and empowerment: Therapy can assist Sheetal in rebuilding her self-esteem and sense of empowerment. By exploring her strengths, values, and personal goals, she can rediscover her own identity and develop confidence in her abilities. This increased self-worth will support her in regaining control over her life and making decisions that align with her values and aspirations.

Problem-solving skills: Therapy can equip Sheetal with problem-solving techniques to navigate the challenges she encounters in her marriage. She can learn how to analyze situations objectively, explore different options, weigh potential consequences, and make informed decisions that serve her well-being and goal of asserting her independence.

Emotional support: Seeking professional help provides Sheetal with a safe space to express her emotions without judgment. The therapist can offer empathy, support, and guidance as she processes her feelings related to her marriage and empowers her to make choices that promote her independence and well-being.

Overall, therapy or counseling can provide Sheetal with the tools, insights, and support needed to assert her independence and regain control in her marriage.

By addressing underlying issues, developing effective communication skills, and strengthening her self-esteem, she can work towards creating a healthier and more balanced relationship dynamic.

(Based on a real story, but name, place, profession of the individuals are changed)