Feeling green? Follow your envy.

Did you grow up thinking jealousy was some sort of sin, something to be avoided, feel guilty about, pretend you didn’t have? I’m gonna guess yeah. I certainly did, even though I don’t remember anyone ever saying it directly. I have vague memories of someone telling me not to covet my neighbour’s donkey or something.

But it occurred to me recently — what if I use jealousy as a guiding star, instead? What if, instead of saying you shouldn’t covet something, you understood it as a signal, a flag waving over something you might like, or even need, to do.

Now, I know this is a slippery slope, so bear with me here.

I’ve always been a little envious of artists. I have always wanted to produce art — to draw, or paint, or act, or sing — but have lacked the skill or the support to really feel like I could ever be in that world. And I’ve struggled to settle on a career that works for me outside of that world. In fact, I still struggle.

But now that I’m writing creatively, I feel a lot better. Not always and all the time. Just, like, on average. Better. I have a place to let my creative juices flow (eww, right?). I don’t need to look a certain way, I don’t need years of schooling. I just write stories. I have stories to tell, and the more I write them, the better I get. And, regardless of my skill, I feel good doing it.

If I’d let my jealousy guide me a little earlier, maybe I’d have gotten here sooner. Maybe. It’s just a theory at this point, but, you know. Maybe?

Now, what I’m absolutely not saying is that you should follow your envy into the dark. Don’t follow it where it might hurt you, or someone else. Don’t follow it when someone is selling you something at the end. Looking at some size 2 model in a catalogue and starving yourself so you can fit in that pair of jeans is not a good shout. Honestly, neither is nabbing your neighbour’s donkey.

Otherwise, it seems to me that healthy jealousy is something that probably exists. I mean, I’m saying it does, so yeah. It does. If you have the feeling, it might be worth inspecting it. Querying it. Why do you feel that way? Is there something in it? Because maybe you’ll learn something about yourself that’s important, rather than filtering your emotions through an ideology that tells you they’re fatal flaws.