A Million Lives
On Losing and Reclaiming Love
*TW: existential crisis
People often describe loneliness as a suffocating feeling, but to you, in that moment, it would feel like sinking; like you are drowning and screaming for help but the words are muffled. The tears in your eyes add to the stream of liquid that drowns you and when you look up, you see others carrying on as usual. They seem to be living their best lives while you tussle with the currents so you can get to the surface and join them. The more you try, however, the harder it gets and you sink further.
Slowly, you accept your fate. You watch as the forms above you begin to blur and your vision follows suit. It’s dark now. You find yourself trying to accept the truth. This is it. This is where it all ends. You close your eyes and hold the tears in as your mind flashes to certain times in your lifetime when you did not feel so lonely.
The memories come flooding in almost instantly and cloud your mind as you try to pin-point where it all went wrong. How did I go from happy-go-lucky to sad-and-unlucky? When did living become so hard that I stopped trying and chose instead, to put up a charade? When did this sinking feeling start? Why did I not reach out to anyone to pull me up? I bet no one can hear me now.
You manage a painful smile as you mull over the questions. This is it. This is the end. It is time to put an end to this terrible feeling and finally find peace. Time to accept the inevitable and say goodbye to the constant angst of being alone. As you accept these truths, you begin to feel lighter, as though something has left your body. You open your eyes and immediately see it. You are on the other side, staring back at the lump of your sinking flesh in the abyss.
You smile as you float towards the beckoning glint of light. You glance at your sinking body but it’s no longer there. It has become one with the colorful darkness of the abyss. You feel a hand reach out to you from the light and you grab hold of it. It feels familiar and safe. It slowly pulls you up. As you raise your head, you are greeted with the genial smiles of people you have loved and lost — those whose lives you touched and they had touched yours back.
The familiar hand pats your back kindly and smiles at you. It’s face is blurred by wholesomeness that should be blinding but isn’t. It is warm and welcoming instead. You hear a voice from the distance calling your name. You turn around and you see it so clearly it’s shocking. You get used to the beauty as you walk towards the voice with your widest smile.
Welcome, Mifa! This is home. This is peace. This is the after-death.
The voice is now close enough for you to see the its face. You are sure now.
Glad to be here?
A hearty laugh.
Yes, yes…it takes some getting used to but the summary is that the after-death is home to the many versions of yourself from the many lives you have lived. It is also home to the many versions of those you have loved and the many lives they have lived as well.
You smile again, unperturbed by the overwhelming sense of this concept but bothered by its intricacies. The voice speaks to your thoughts.
You don’t need to worry about how any of this works. You are home now and that is all that matters. You are at peace and trust me, you will never be lonely ever again.
Seconds pass and you hear the familiar chortle from a distance. You turn to look in the direction of the sound and there she is, glowing in effervescent beauty. Her genial smile emanating a radiance unmatched by anything your corporeal senses could fathom. You stare at her in awe, speechless. She is draped in a blue dress lined with a wall of the most beautiful flowers in the world. As she turns and your eyes meet, you hear the voice again.
That’s Wallflower. I am sure you know her from beyond as Cynthia but that’s not her, it’s just one of her many versions — still as beautiful, I would add. You can say hello.
A certain force pulls you both together almost instantly.
Hi, Mifa. That smile of a thousand suns.
Hi. That’s all you can manage before her tender hands touch your shoulders. In that instant, a million versions of your life with her across the vastness of existence and multi-universes flash before your eyes and in all of them, she is the one. In all the versions, she mattered and in all of them, she is the bright spot that perfects your existence.
A thousand lives lived and somehow, we always find each other. You hear her say in the reverie of celestial memories.
You smile as the reels stop and your eyes glint with unbridled joy. You look into her eyes and then slowly stretch your hands toward hers. She smiles as she takes your hands and holds them. You remember the touch. The softness of her skin.
It was you! You pulled me out of the abyss.
She smiles and without a word, she turns around. Her face is replaced with the wholesomeness that had first welcomed you here. A little tear drops from the corner of your left eye as you pull her closer and give her a hug.
You are transported back in time — the memories, the lives, back into your body in the abyss, and then back to the present moment. You wake up staring at your ceiling, the heat of a thousand dreams burning as sweat on your brow. The chiming from your phone forces you to turn on your side and pick it up. Your eye catches a text notification as you turn off your alarm.
What can I do to make you live?
It’s from Wallflower. You smile.
Always wanted to use the phrase “twerk for me baby” so…um…maybe twerk??
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