Dear Dad
On Father & Child Relationships — For Father’s Day.
Every third Sunday in June, people all over the world celebrate fathers and their contribution to the society. People’s relationships with their fathers are usually a mixed bag, far more complex than relationships with their mothers; in this part of the world, at least. That probably stems from the myth that men are not allowed to show emotions and other social constructs that seek to present men as stoic and austere.
“I know a man who loses his voice each time he describes his father. He stares into the distance as he furtively dredges his mind for the right words and comes up with none.” — Aloaye
I would share mine but I am still learning to navigate it so I asked a few people about the relationship they have with their fathers, in honour of Father’s Day this year. In case you missed it, you can read the Mother’s Day version here.
Patricia: my dad and I have our ups and downs, more good days than bad days though. Our relationship is just okay. He is a good father and husband, to be honest. Many people my age say they were scared of their father as children but that was not the case with my brother and I. He did not play or gist with us a lot like my mum would, but he was still approachable (with caution sha). He was not extremely strict but his frown was the worst thing to me as a child and I used to avoid anything that could make him upset.
To me, he’s the regular Nigerian dad — more focused on providing our needs than being emotionally available. As an adult now, I see how alike we are and I seem to have inherited a little stubbornness from him. We tend to lock heads a lot these days and he has had to accept that things are different now. He has also had to deal with the shift from giving instructions to making suggestions and having conversations. Given the chance, I’ll still choose him again. He’s the best sometimes. The thing is, as you get older, some of the things your parents did that may not have made sense at the time somehow start to add up.
Jemima: my relationship with my dad is neither here nor there. It’s not great or terrible, it’s just works; for lack of a better way to describe it. As a child, I would have loved to be able to talk to my parents about everything without the fear of punishment. I saw how some of my friends related with their parents and how it helped a lot to have someone they were able to share anything with, and knowing that they always had someone to guide them. They knew their parents had their backs and that went a long way in helping them navigate life. There are so many instances, I can’t even list them.
When I became a teenager, the relationship with my dad was all but not existent. All I had was a sense of duty to respect the man who gave birth to me, fed me, kept a roof over my head and sent me to school. We barely talked about anything. That has changed now, though, as we try to talk from time to time. Interestingly, distance has helped our relationship. I think we wouldn’t have been able to stand each other in the same house. No longer being under the same roof has made us talk more. At first, it was him calling to ask how I was fairing with living on my own then we slowly started adding other topics to our conversations. There are still some lapses though, but we’re at it.
For people looking to become parents in the near future, it is important to do everything within your power to ensure that you are the first person your children call for anything. That’s how I think it should be. It is irresponsible to have children and not be there for them in every capacity. It’s not only about paying bills. There are as many good fathers as bad and absent ones but that scale can be tipped when people choose to do better and not do things based on vibes. Fathers should be role models for their children.
James: my dad is late but I’m pretty sure our relationship would not have been rosy. I was very little when he passed, but from what I have heard and how I’ve seen other men like him behave, I don’t think we’d be cool if he were around. I honestly doubt that I would have liked him.
Bolanle: my relationship with my dad is okay, above average at least. He’s a cool person. Being a professor, he’s a man of few words and more concerned about our education and grades than anything else. Growing up, he was more than happy to support whatever academic goals my siblings and I had. As an adult now, I understand him better and cut him some slack. We talk from time to time and I actually look up to him a lot. He also treats me like as adult so it’s easy for us to get along. In all, I think it is important to see our parents first as human, not people with super powers or something. That way, it’s easier to understand them, forgive them and see things from their perspective.
Peter: I genuinely cannot call what I have with my father a “relationship”. What we have is a connection that largely exists for the sake of it. It could be so much more but it is not. Maybe he’s just not cut from a certain cloth and that is fine. Actually, it’s not but we move.
For context, there was a tweet making the rounds a few days ago, asking people for contributions about things they learned from their fathers and I had absolutely nothing to respond with. Everything I know, I have either learnt from reading or from experience. I guess that’s a good thing because he’s not the greatest example. In a warped way, I am my own father so happy Father’s Day to me, yes?
My parents separated when I was 13 and I turn 30 soon. In the years before and after that, we barely interacted. Two years ago, we tried to have a honest conversation but that did not changed a lot. We are both much older now so it’s easy for us to have conversations skirting around the gaps between us. We talk once or twice a month. The relationship has moved from being non-existent to functional and maybe that’s okay. He was recently in an accident and I was the first person he called. It could be more but I guess I can’t have it all.
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