Dear Married Man…
A Note to Married Men with Working Wives
A two-income household is a powerful one that allows the unit to have more. They usually go further if they both have their heads screwed on right, and they can work together. There’s so much negativity on social media these days and while some are valid, others are laughable.
It’s only natural for any reasonable person to want their partner to earn more and contribute to running the household. Whether it's 50:50, 80:20, or 70:30, it's up to the unit to decide.
For a working-class household to be successful as a partnership, here are a few things I have learned in my journey, even though I’m still learning.
There is something called growth periods. Both of you can’t grow at the same pace at the same time. Many times, one person grows more than the other. Successful households are the ones where the partners take turns to grow.
In our case, I was the one who started growing faster, so we decided when our children were little, that I would be the one who focused on career growth. I worked hard and even relocated to get a better job at some point, while my partner focused on the home front.
This meant I didn’t have time to mess around as I was on a timer. I knew that it would soon be my wife’s turn. She had our kids in the comfort of a stable job that didn’t necessarily foster much career progression. It also meant that I had to carry the home financially (you have to at this stage).
Now, this is the tricky part. When it's her time, you have to be willing to step back, take a seat, and focus more on the home front. Many men struggle with this, which is why when you are in your career-building phase, you still need to pay attention to what’s happening at home. Don’t be uninterested.
When it was her time to grow, I had to pause my career building and keep it at bay. You should have stabilized at that time, as you will have to do more on the home front.
I ensure that the people I work with know my schedule (e.g. 6–8 am and 5–8 pm are no-work times). I encouraged my wife to quit her job and we focused on her getting a great job. She got a great offer 4 months later and then it was her turn to build her career.
Navigating the Corporate World to Accelerate Growth
I encouraged my wife to travel for work when the opportunities came, while I stayed at home with the children and the nanny (if you haven’t gotten her help prior, omo I pity you). I did the school runs, made the meals, and cared for them. She still had to supervise sometimes though.
I stopped working on Saturdays so she could work on Saturdays when necessary. See, capitalism is what it is and you both have to draw up a schedule for work engagements and outings. Successful people build work relationships and that involves traveling, meetings, informal gatherings, etc. A schedule will help you both to plan properly and work together.
Rather than tell her how to navigate the work environment, you can coach her on the whats, whys, hows, and whens. You can also help her understand how she shows up and how she’s perceived. When my partner gets frustrated with work, I am her first ranting point and I listen first, then tell her about my experience with something similar and how I navigated it.
I turned down and I am still turning down opportunities because the unit's focus is her and her career success at this point so a fancy new senior role isn’t what I need now. Remember that when you are earning more, you are building and amassing wealth, so you need her to build hers as well (this is why you can't be joking around in your building years).
She will struggle with mum guilt, and you need to be careful that you are compounding this. You also need to be a source of encouragement to let her know you are there for her and that it's only for a while; assure her that the children understand and that’s how mummy can buy them nice things. So reinforce this with the children.
Drop Your Title at the Door
You will read a lot of things online and people will tell you different things, but remember that in your house you are not the big shot boss. When you get home, you are just another person with no direct reports (even the nanny doesn’t report to you) so you have to be okay with doing the grunt work and if you can’t, you have to get it done.
Your ego may want to get in the way, but you will need to silence it and remind yourself that your partner did the same for you and now, it's your turn. Besides, no household where bigmanism occurs survives.
*This article was originally published by Babajide Duroshola as a thread on X.
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