Dey Your Dey
On Knowing Your Place and Enjoying What You Have
I have just finished speaking with a friend. We’re supposed to meet at a restaurant in the centre of town. He’s still several minutes away so I decide to walk to the venue instead of boarding a keke.
I know I’ll get there before him.
I am on the pedestrian walkway and I am conscious as I put one foot in front of the other. There’s someone about midway to my destination that I’m wary of. He’s from my hometown and I usually try to avoid him.
Sometimes, I even cross to the other side of the road so I don’t have to pass by his shop. He mostly sits in front of his shop playing draught with some men. Other times, he’s talking to the man who sells electronics in the next shop, or standing with his arms crossed, looking out for customers and watching as vehicles and people flit by.
Some days, I don’t bother hiding from this man but when I pass by and he does not see me, I am grateful.
On other days, when he sees me, I greet and answer his questions, all the while desperate to hurry off.
There’s only one reason for this: I am not comfortable with his questions.
I don’t like that he always asks, “How is work?” or “You did not go to work today?”
I am not comfortable that he repeatedly tells me I need to go for my Master’s degree; and that he asks my mum and sister about me nearly all the time, so much so that they too, don’t like seeing him.
So, on this day, I am surprised when he doesn’t say much to me.
I greet him, my feet already hurrying in the direction of the restaurant.
‘Ehen, how are you?’, he replies then says nothing more.
It’s a Friday, yet he doesn’t ask why I am not at work.
Also, it’s the first time he’s spoken to me in English. He would usually respond to my greeting with ‘Kedu?’
Not today, though. Today, he’s a different man.
I think about this as I continue walking then I smile to myself, amused.
Maybe he finally realised how uncomfortable I may be with his questions and decided not to ask anymore. Or he realised I may not want a Master’s degree — now or ever.
Maybe he will stop asking. That I’ll greet him and he’ll only answer, ‘How are you?’ and nothing more. I consider that for a moment and realise that I wouldn’t mind that at all.
A few months ago, I developed feelings for a friend. I remember walking home one day and telling myself, “Better have sense and don’t start feeling this way because nothing will come out of it.”
No, I wasn’t being pessimistic. It was clear as day that we could not be together. I did not want to be caught between two friends — one who liked me but whom I did not like, and another who I like but was not sure he liked me. I didn’t want such a situationship to ruin our friendship.
For a while, my heart listened to my note of caution but soon enough, it started to flutter whenever I saw this person. Sometimes, I’d be shy when he was around me and other times, I would smile a lot at him. Most times, I longed to see him; to hear his voice.
I told someone about these feelings. I told him that I liked this guy and I felt he was being cute with me and that definitely meant something. But perhaps, I was only deluded. Because there was another lady he’d stare at that way too.
They talked a lot and teased each other in ways he’d never teased me. He called her endearing names and my face flushed with embarrassment whenever I saw them this way. I tried to mask it but there was always this nagging feeling that someone could see how bad I felt or how jealous I was, how glaring it was that the person I had fallen for no even send me.
One day, after a bout of jealousy, I decided to write about how I was feeling in my journal. Relationships will be different. What I have with (so and so) differs from what I have with (name of my crush) but I should learn to appreciate what I have and enjoy it without poking eye into other people’s business. Then I added an ‘Amen’ to that.
Writing it down did not quite rid me of these feelings but I felt better, lighter. I still got jealous more than once when I saw him and this lady though. If the jealousy crept too far, I’d avoid him. But not for long. We once had issues about my silence towards him. It was then that I subtly mentioned I was starting to like him and was not seeing any green light so I kept my distance. I’m sorry for not handling it better. Could we be friends again? And all has been good since then.
I did not want silence anymore. It hurt too much. I did not want to ruin our beautiful friendship so I consoled myself with the fact that I probably had deeper discussions with him about personal matters than the other lady. At least, for now.
I had to console myself, somehow.
Most importantly, I reminded myself that relationships differ. I may never have a romantic relationship with him but I can, at least, be a great friend to him.
Now that I think of it, maybe my townsman came to this realisation about our relationship too. I can greet him and we’ll be good. He doesn’t have to ask questions I may be uncomfortable answering.
While it’s okay to pursue depth, you can still enjoy simple, basic interactions with people. You can be in your lane and enjoy what they give while you give yourself to them too. You don’t have to give more than they can take and they don’t have to offer more than you can accept. I guess it’s that simple. I hope it is. So yeah, dey your dey.
If you enjoyed reading this, please clap as many times as possible (50) as it makes the post more visible to those who may like it or learn from it. You can also follow us, share and leave a comment on Twitter, we would love to interact with you!
