Had I Known!
Does Love Make Us Do Stupid Things?
Not many people are calculative when it comes to love and matters of the heart. Had I known, they say is the brother of Mr. Late. Many times, we only realize the damage when it’s too late. For those who have seen The Tinder Swindler, I implore you not blame the victims of that atrocious man. Like me, many other young women have easily fallen victims. Even if you got a third party narration of the documentary, I plead that you do the same.
I had a similar experience some time ago. Not long after we graduated from the university in 2018, my friends and other classmates were getting into serious relationships and getting married, left, right and center. Ah! Were we not just gisting and laughing at the top of our voices in the hostel just now? Nawa.
In no time, I started feeling like something was wrong with me. Peer pressure is indeed a bastard. I suddenly had the strong desire to prove that I could also be in a serious relationship; coupled with not having had a serious relationship until we graduated from school, I was certain that it was my time to shine. It was this senseless need to feel among that landed me in an awful relationship.
I met this guy, let’s call him Dare. He was tall, dark, handsome — he fit the bill perfectly. We talked non-stop and spent all our free time together so when he asked me to be his girlfriend two months later, I was ecstatic. Everything was going smooth and nice until he sent me a strange text one afternoon. Babe, I need 5k until next week. Actually, make it 10k, if you can. Love you loaadzz.
As a youth corper at the time, I was earning ₦20,000, in addition to my allowee. He told me he was a banker and by my calculation, he earned at least ten times more. He also mentioned that he got paid between the 23rd and 25th of every month so how was he asking me for money five days into the new month. Anyway, I called him. I did not understand the words that stared back at me from my phone screen and I needed an explanation. Whatever he said that day made no sense but I sent him the money anyway. Plus I did not think he was going to run away with my money since we were dating. He is my boyfriend, we trust each other. Lol.
I waited until the next time I saw him to ask why I had to lend him money barely two weeks after he got paid. He gave me a flimsy excuse about his savings being automated and that he was saving up for a house so he gets stranded every month. Seeing that I was not convinced, he started talking about people who owe him money and others who have refused to help him. At least, he did not say his enemies were after him.
I wondered why he could not cancel the said savings plan since it was eating up way too much of his funds. The math was not mathing but being in a serious relationship was the goal so what was a small price of lending him money, compared to the immeasurable benefits? This continued and got to a point that I lent him some of the money someone kept with me. He knew about the money and the purpose because I told him everything. We almost fought because he was delaying the repayment and I needed to pay back the money. I even remember visiting him one early morning and I ended up paying for the bike that took him to work that day.
There were red flags all over but I could not see any. Did I forget to say that almost everything in the relationship was one-sided? Well, it was. 90% of the times we talked on the phone, it was my airtime. Anytime we went somewhere, I would somehow end up paying. I was earning so little compared to my banker guy but he never paid for anything. Felt like he only saw me as a source of funds.
I eventually broke up with him after about 4 months. Would you believe that this clown reached out months later, asking me to lend him some money? Well, let’s just say my eyes had cleared so I blocked him. How and why someone who seemingly earned way more than I did needed money from me were questions I began to ask myself after that incident.
It is easy to say “that could never be me” and I respect that, but it could really be anyone. I mean, I said so too before it occurred to me that it had happened to me before. A huge amount of money may not be involved but people lose bits of themselves in such instances and by the time we hear their story, they are most likely reeling in guilt and shame. Everyone is human and I bet at one point in time, we’ve all done something we are not proud of, in the name of love so please have some empathy. Before you ask, “how could she have been so stupid?” and attempt to figure out the how and why, try empathy.
Choose empathy. When people make mistakes, help them find solutions instead of blaming them. Some people have a hard time letting go of their mistakes and you don’t want to be the person who would increase the percentage of guilt they carry for that action. This extends to your relationship with your friends, spouse and family, your colleagues at work, the driver of the public transport, the bus conductor, the pepper seller, the delivery guy, and many more.
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