I Have 0 Female Friends
On Female Friendships
“I have more male friends, they are easier to deal with”
“Women are too competitive and catty”.
These and many more are other titles you can give this article, as they are some of the most common remarks we get regarding female friendships. I asked some women about their experiences with female friendships and compiled them below. As a woman, I can absolutely relate to some of these experiences and one of the things this article seeks to do is to help you see through the eyes of other women, their perspectives and experiences with female friendships.
Questions: Do you find it easier to bond with men or women? Has it been difficult to befriend and trust women, compared to men? If yes, why so?
Hephzibah: I find it easier to bond with men. With women, it isn’t difficult to befriend them. It’s trusting them that’s the hard part; I think boys are more loyal.
Chioma: it’s easier to bond with guys and I have found it consistently hard to befriend and trust women. I think women are generally proud and have a snobbish attitude. They also come with negative energy and gossip too. Ugh.
Cynthia: I won’t particularly say it’s hard or sway to a side, I just feel it depends on the personality of the friend. However, I would pick women, in terms of lasting friendships. I’ve had both female and male friends I easily bonded with and knew I could trust as well. I have also had the opposite so it all boils down to personality and instincts for me.
The challenge is not making female friends per se, it’s mostly sustaining it. I see friends as soul mates, which is why for me, there has to be a connection or alignment which leads to trust. It’s also not about having many but about having meaningful friendships. I have a small circle but I’m working on being more open-minded, learning from insightful materials and the experiences of others. I hope to be a great female friend as much as I want to have one.
Rusa: I find it generally easier to bond with guys than girls and find it consistently difficult to befriend and trust girls. They tend to get jealous and envious too much and that comes in the way of a great friendship. I have learnt to be more careful and know which friend to get close to.
Nimi: it has always been difficult like to form female friendships from the beginning but I think it’s changing little by little now. Women have shown me pepper. My worst friends have been female. Terrible experiences, I tell you. I honestly think the mentality and outlook on life of these women caused it; it’s either an unhealthy competition, a guy or something stupid. I’m trying to be more intentional about the women I meet though but I’m still using a very strong filter for the women I try to befriend.
Losa: honestly, I find it easier to bond with guys, it has been a bit difficult to befriend and trust women due to some personal experiences. It’s not always like that though, I still reach out to them. I mean I’m female like them and there are too many beautiful hearts I don’t want to miss.
Distance and poor boundary setting are parts of the things that contribute to difficult friendships. I’m presently exploring being friends with both genders and it has been remarkable. What has helped is the determination not to get too attached to anyone or expect too much from anyone because last I checked, we’re all humans.
Faith: I find it easier to bond with men than women because most females tend to hold back. Only a small percentage of females would freely want to speak with you on the first day. It has been difficult to form female friendships because women tend to hold back from the onset and that makes it really hard to trust them later on. There has been an improvement in recent times but I think the fact that people say “girls are the enemies of themselves” has made some women over-conscious of how they relate with other girls.
Taiwo: I used to find it easier to bond with girls when I was younger but not anymore. For the most part of my life, it was easy but at this point in my life, it is relatively (but not consistently) harder to bond with women, compared to men. I used to be a bit shy around guys, so it was significantly harder to make friends with guys. Female friendships were familiar. After secondary school, it all changed and I gravitated more towards guys. I found that I had become nervous around women and there was always some sort of silent competition among them. I was not sure who was genuine because they mask their feelings so easily. The guys on the other hand were open books and you could also trust them to keep your secrets with their lives. I don’t know why, but it just happened.
Cilla: I don’t necessarily have a preference, it’s the same for me both ways. I guess God has just blessed me with the trustworthy ones; plus trustworthiness is not gender-dependent to me.
Esther: I find it easier to emotionally connect to women than men but it’s easier being friends with guys, especially those that just want to be friends. Like just vibing with them when we meet the first time. It also takes me more time to become close friends with women, especially those I see myself having long-term relationships with. I think this is because women understand better and they know what to say and what not to. This is not to say guys can’t or they don’t get it, it’s just better with girls. Right now, I have a lot of girls I can talk to about my issues and just about two or three guys I can talk to about anything.
Most times, guys don’t mind a deep connection; as long as you’re cool, they’re cool so getting close to them doesn’t take a long time. I have always heard people say guys are better friends, but I think it’s more about the person than their gender, to be honest. I just know I wouldn’t be friends with anyone I’m unsure of.
AY: nah, I don’t find it hard to bonding with women.
Fade: I have realized that I actually bond easily with anyone, regardless of their gender. That’s most probably because of my kind of person but over time, I have trusted my female friends more than the male ones.
See more responses here.
15 out of the 20 women who responded to my questions, find it hard to bond with the same sex. Cattiness, envy and unhealthy competition are some of the listed reasons. This go on to show that a large percentage of women have it bad with their female counterparts. Women thrive on strong, vulnerable and deep friendships and tend to gravitate more towards less emotional and surface relationships — what men are most about — when our vulnerability is hurt. Regardless, we realize that we still desire to be vulnerable.
As a young girl, having female or male friends was not an issue. If we were both fine with being friends, we hit it off. There were no biases. As I grew older though, my female friendships seemed to decline and it just didn’t make sense. Why was I being bullied by someone who is supposed to be my friend? Why did this girl gossip about me? One minute we were friends and the next, I’ve been betrayed. It only made sense that I gradually gravitated to the guys.
Guys were more open and didn’t hold back anything. If you hurt Tony, you’d hear it from Tony, not James. They were quick to forgive too. And if a guy doesn’t like you? You would know from the very first encounter. Guys generally felt no need for them to pretend. So, how come as we grow, many women seem to become unnecessarily catty? Could it be societal upbringing Hormones? Evolution?
As humans, it is natural to feel competitive from time to time. However, the unhealthy competition for men, friends, jobs, attention, recognition and self-worth in female circles can be absolutely pointless. I believe because the society at large belittles women, they react by turning on each other to alleviate the feelings of inferiority promoted by the culture.
Children are raised not only by parents, but by the society as well. The casual words we hear whenever we go out also contribute to who we become and many of those things we hear point to men being the prize of life. It is deeply ingrained in the system and is barely seen as wrong. When everything I’ve heard over time paints men as the prize, and a prize is only a prize because it is won, who is my contender? A fellow woman. So we learn to become catty to anyone who seems in the slightest way better than us in our eyes or in the eyes of another.
We have to understand that our worth doesn’t lie in how men see us (they are human too). Marriage is not our sole purpose in life, it is most times only a vehicle to purpose. So while you are intentional about it — that is if you desire it — it shouldn’t become what all your life decisions revolve about.
Women need to support women because nobody understands women like a woman does. For instance, only a woman fully understands the cramps that come with menstruation, the problems and impact of misogyny and all other things that are peculiar to women. Your male bestie, boyfriend or husband can try to understand you but that’s as far as it gets.
You know deeply that being whole, encompasses you having healthy and loving relationships with both the male and female gender. Do not come to a point where you are indifferent about building female relationships. There is a role only a female can play in your life. A man can only be a man so don’t starve yourself of beautiful friendships. A UCLA study on Friendship Among Women proves that close female friendships help us live and heal better.
You may have experienced unhealthy relationships but there are, despite how comparingly small, testimonies of fulfilling female friendships. You can add to that number of these testimonies by first choosing to be a better person and finding people who are bettering themselves. You need sisters and real women in your corner. Having people you know have your back unconsciously gives you permission to be. It is validating and empowering to have friends that you have learnt to trust, people you can share a heartful laugh with. They understand your struggles (because same-sex) and are there to hold your hand through them. You need it and I pray you have it. Be intentional about changing the stereotype placed on female friendships. Say that with you, it will be different because you decided to be different.
Healthy friendships can not thrive when there are weeds of jealousy and silly comparisons. So when you have it rough with your female friend, resist the urge to talk behind her back. Rather, choose to present your case to them in a kind way. When you meet women who have something better than you, see them as an inspiration. There is so much we gain when we are not lost in comparison and competitiveness. Here is to women who are intentional about change. May we know them., may we be them, may we raise them.
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