Why Don’t Love You Me Anymore?
Dealing With Heartbreak
May 2020
I was finally turning 20 and nothing could beat my excitement, not even being cooped up at home thanks to COVID. I was ecstatic that I no longer had to deal with saying “teen” along with my age. I was finally a big girl. Clear road!
I had grand ideas for how the day would go but one thing that continually plagued my thoughts was that I had to settle things with my boyfriend at the time. We had been having issues and I thought my birthday would be the perfect day to sort everything out and move on. Little did I know that he had other plans, plans that would have ruined my day if my friends didn’t intervene.
The day was finally came. I had stayed awake to pray, post my pictures on social media and receive calls from the early morning callers. After the 4th person called and it wasn’t him, I scrolled through my messages. Nothing.
I could see that some of my contacts had reposted my pictures but not him. Maybe he slept off. As I got ready to sleep, a notification popped up on my phone screen. Finally. I quickly opened it, expecting to see a sweet, heart-warming message only to have “happy birthday dear. Wishing you long life and prosperity” staring back at me. I replied “thank you” and tried to sleep.
After tossing and turning for some time, I sent him a message asking why he had sent me such a basic message (I mean, I put so much time and effort into composing beautiful pieces for people’s birthdays — including his so why is mine different?). I also asked why he had not posted my picture anywhere, making reference to doing that for one other girl (with the nicest words, I must add) just the week before.
As I waited for his reply, I thought about all the things he had said about this girl he claimed not to like but had clearly picked over me. From saying he did not think I was really his type to constantly talking about how much she cared for him. We barely had an argument where he did not compare me to her. I had ignored all these. I had no idea when the tears started but I let them flow then I wiped my tears, texted my friend and went to bed.
I think it is important to mention that he was not a terrible person. He was actually one of the nicest people I had ever met. I was just nonchalant about the relationship and when I was ready to make it work, he had moved on. He hid it well though, I give him that. Regardless, being the reason our relationship fell apart did not make the heartbreak hurt any less.
May 2022
Fast forward to April 2022, I updated my WhatsApp status to ask my contacts to refer me for jobs and added that nobody should fall in love with me. Yes, there was no correlation, it was a subtle shade for someone who was all over me. I didn’t quite like him. Not long after, a friend texted to ask why I seemed to be against love, that I was always posting one thing or the other about it. It will end in tears and the likes.
After our conversation, here’s what I realised:
- I didn’t really forgive my ex for going cold on me. I was so hurt I did not think any one wanted to be with me so when someone moved to me, the very first thing that came to mind was that they would leave me for someone else sooner or later.
- I had unconsciously formed a “type” in my mind and did not think anyone could like me for me. That held me back from making friends or shooting my shot with people I liked. I also kind of tied my worth to my wallet.
- For the fear of people leaving me, I got with just anybody and when it was done, it was done. I was with people who neither cared about me, nor I about them.
- I had become very conscious of being slim and was ready to fight anyone who made the slightest reference to my body. A part of me thinks that’s part of the reasons my ex picked the other girl over me so yeah.
For about 2 years, I was carrying the hurt from that breakup and didn’t want to let go because in a way, it made me feel better. There were so many things I could have done better but I did not. I was so angry and desperately wanted to prove to my ex that I was desirable to other people. It was pointless. I know better now though, so here are some tips I’d love to share with you:
Do not try to suppress the pain. Allow yourself to feel it. Cry, vent, rant if you must, whatever helps you get it out. A heartbreak is painful and there’s no point trying to hide the pain.
Forgive. It’s very easy to hold a grudge in the event of a heartbreak, but forgiving kickstarts your healing process. Forgive them and forgive yourself too. It helps you to move on and eases your pain. It also improves your experience when you’re ready to start dating again.
Relationships go two-ways. Sometimes, you could do everything and still end up not being with them. It is a process and may not always lead to what you envision.
Be affirmative. Speak positive words to and about yourself, you need it. Telling yourself you’re a spec” can be a good start. After the breakup, I was so harsh on myself and even when people paid me compliments, saying I’m amazing and anyone would be lucky to have me in their life, I did not believe them. Whatever you say to yourself becomes your reality so be careful what you say, speak affirmative words only.
Go out and socialize. After a breakup, it is normal to feel lonely and sad but don’t sulk for too long. Pick yourself up, wear nice clothes, put on a beautiful smile and go out. Make new friends, talk with your friends, rekindle old friendships and just allow yourself to soak in the goodness that comes with friendship.
After being part of a beautiful wedding story, I just want to say love is sweet and taking a chance on love does not always end in tears. Whatever your fears are should not stop you from experiencing all of the beauty that love brings. It won’t all be rosy, and there will be times where you’ll want to leave it behind, but then if you put in the work, it could blossom into something beautiful.
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