The Elephant in the Room
How Rejection Affects Our Relationships
Therapists, psychologists, and even Relationship Twitter experts will tell you that trust is the foundation of any relationship. It is this intangible, invisible thing, larger than life, that we must all make space for. It is what pushes us to tell our deepest secrets to those we love, show them the scars we swore we’d keep hidden, and rest in the subconscious knowledge that they will stay.
I am not trying to say that I am smarter than PhD holders and professionals who have dedicated their lives to studying human behavior, but I disagree.
Rejection is the major motivator in most of my relationships. From the rom-coms I watch to the romance novels that make me blush and cry, I find myself screaming at the protagonists because I don’t have the courage to love someone else in that way.
Being able to watch love on a screen provides a healthy distance that a romantic relationship cannot take. I can fully participate and experience catharsis without risking the popular and legendary breakfast. Or in better terms, rejection.
When I meet someone I can imagine a future with, I wonder how long it will take before they break my heart, or I break theirs. Will they cheat on me or use my secrets against me? Will they weaponize my insecurities and cut me with words they can’t take back? Will they hold up a mirror that shows me the worst parts of myself? Will they make me cry? Will I run away when my feelings suffocate me? I really can’t stop myself sometimes.
I don’t have the courage to answer these questions so I keep my distance. Unfortunately, vulnerability is the price that love — in all its forms — demands. Love is like the mythological Charon, guarding the gates of deep connections, demanding the baring of my soul as his only offering for letting me through. Love demands that I bare myself, stand naked and show the parts that I am scared to face.
Sometimes, vulnerability is too high a price to pay. I even lie to my friends that I am fine because saying otherwise means taking the risk of being a burden. I hide the things that I am ashamed of, never fully answering their questions and constantly living in fear that they will one day see all my flaws, clear as day. I am afraid that one day, fierce winds and rains will wash away my veneer and they will see me for who I really am, not who I pretend to be. I am scared that they will see me, and refuse to stay.
People always say the greatest gift is to be known. To be seen as you are. I say the worse punishment is to be seen and turned away. To be known, and then rejected. If you show people your scars and they turn away, you will only have more scars. If you ask for help and you’re dismissed, it burns a hole in your chest and flip organs in your body.
Rejection stings. Like a physical bite. The pain is tangible, you can touch it, feel it, it is everywhere. The fear of rejection is what makes you turn away when you see someone you like, asking yourself what if they don’t want you. It makes you delete texts and cover your hurt with humor, asking what if you’re ignored. You hide your work and what you do. What if no one likes it? You think of the worst-case scenarios first because you always prepare for disappointment.
I thought I was running to safety but I’ve really been running from rejection all my life. To filtering my thoughts and opinions before they are cut down, and hiding from those who love me. Because I am a coward. We are all cowards. Calling rejection “breakfast” and pretending that it does not hold us back from paying love’s steep price. That it does not make us consider and reconsider things we might have freely fallen into.
I have not decided if I agree that it’s better to have loved and lost than to never love at all because does someone who has lived his whole existence in water need land? He does not lose sleep over it or turn and toss at the thought of things he has never contemplated. He is blissful for as long as he is ignorant and he may well pray to remain ignorant forever.
To love someone, anyone, is to choose bravery; to abandon ignorance and accept the possibility that it will change you. As a profound cartoon character put it in Ron’s Gone Wrong, loving someone is like having a piece of your heart walking around the world.
“You’re like a piece of my heart walking around the world” — Ron’s Gone Wrong
You will wake up every day with the possibility that your heart can be broken, but you will love them anyway because as much as rejection burns, love burns even brighter.
Poets, artists and writers alike will tell you that love is worth every risk, every cut, every burn. They will also tell you that some scars are worth risking everything for.
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