Walking Through Goodbye
Handling Friendship Breakups
break-up /ˈbreɪkʌp/: the end of a relationship.
When we hear or think about a break-up, the first thing that typically comes to mind is the end of a romantic relationship, the heart-rending pain of separating from someone you thought would be in your life forever. We go on and on about our investments of time, money and other resources. It is hardly the same when we break up with a friend, sometimes, it is so much worse.
The end of a friendship is painful and traumatic, despite the reason. It could be a slow drifting from your closest person, or a sudden separation caused by physical distance or difference in values, ideologies and thoughts that you can not compromise on, or as a result of words thoughtlessly spoken in the heat of a tenuous disagreement, or maybe even unrequited feelings. No matter what form it takes or how it came to be, losing the person you always thought would be there is completely devastating.
There is a Yoruba adage that loosely translates to 20 friends cannot play together for 20 years that speaks to the temporary nature of everything in this life — including valued friendships. While the initial reaction to a break-up may be anger, sometimes the best course of action is acceptance. Whether or not you have lost a friend recently, these are some tips that could soothe the hurt of your wounded heart.
Sometimes closure is underrated, almost as much as it is overrated.
Grieve
Allow yourself to feel the hurt of this loss. If you’re feeling, express it. Cry if you must, scream, laugh like a crazy person, whatever. From ice cream and chocolate marathons to running miles and lifting weights at the gym, whatever your grieving process is, go through it. You have just lost something valuable so it is okay to grieve. Permit yourself to reminisce on the good times you had and mourn the loss of a future you could have had.
Closure and Acceptance
Sometimes closure is underrated, almost as much as it is overrated. Getting closure can mean being certain of your loss. When friendships end, it could be painfully uneventful; you just realize that you have not spoken to your friend in six months and getting your friendship on track after that has been a huge struggle. Whatever it is, once you walk through your emotions you may reach out to your friend and let them know how you feel. Not because you want to change their minds but because your feelings are valid to you. The reaction to the conversation will lead to an acceptance of the state of your relationship.
If the loss was tumultuous, ladened with anger or violence, having a discussion for closure might be the farthest thing from your mind, as you may have burned bridges and scattered the ashes around the world. You have to accept that the relationship is beyond redemption or that you simply do not want to continue with it. This acceptance involves not asking what if’s. It may also be necessary to apologize for things you said that can not be taken back, as a means of closure, but do this without expectation from the other party.
Move on
Now that you have accepted that the friendship will never be the same, the next step is to help yourself move on by doing what is necessary — from burning your friendship bracelets to blocking/muting the person on social media platforms until thoughts of them stop triggering you — whatever brings you peace. Sometimes, it can be your duty to help them move on — stop calling or picking calls, stop visiting, etc. Do what you must to help them move on also.
Look at your current friendships in light of your recent break-up
Now is a good time to evaluate the friendships you still have. Do better. Communicate with those you don’t want to lose. Do what you couldn’t do right with your ex-friend while you still can with your friends. Set boundaries, don’t dwell on angry thoughts, talk more or less whatever it may be.
Don’t dwell on the hurt
Things turn sour but life goes on. Losing a friend is horrible but that’s not to say all your friendships will end in tears. Forgive yourself and your ex-friend, then as fast as you can, MOVE ON. Make good and new friendships in light of your experience and live completely while maintaining healthy boundaries. The lessons learnt will definitely be a blessing in your other relationships, but do not let fear hold you back.
The pain of a friendship heartbreak may tarry, but it will never last forever. Learn to enjoy the experience that comes with your amazing friendships.
This is for all the friends I have lost along the way; I am grateful for the memories we shared. I am glad for your impact on my life. Despite the distance, I will always love you.
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