When They Move Away…
Managing the Emotional Trauma of Long Distance Relationships
Japa: a Nigerian word meaning “desire to permanently leave your country.”
I recently said goodbye to the 10th person in my friendship cycle to relocate overseas. Just last week, I ran into a friend after a lovely Sunday service and within 6 days, he was contacting me with an international number.
Losing friends this way is something I am all too familiar with. As a child of a former missionary, my family was subjected to moving around a lot. Once the order came, it was bye-bye to friends, neighbours, school, etc. It even set me back a class.
Eventually, my family found permanent footing. I made new friends at home and school, but sadly, they had to move after some time. Although all these were interstate, we lost communication along the way, and best friends became complete strangers.
The reality of friends relocating outside the country is bringing the loneliness I felt between periods of relocating and making new friends. It was exhausting for me as a child and emotionally tasking. I didn’t realize how much it had affected me until my best friend died, and that set off clinical depression for me.
Again, it feels like everyone is leaving me, as though, everyone else has it all figured out, and I am left to figure out how to get by without them. I hear people say that being intentional in ‘communicating, planning around schedules,’ etc. will help bridge any gap that distance has created, but, for me, who didn’t know anything about maintaining relationships as a child, I have had to first get over myself. Thereafter, I can think about what may or may not improve the situation.
Work, school, and family are all part of everyday life. Ambitions and passions get us preoccupied and even the most intentional attempts to maintain friendship can prove abortive.
This doesn’t mean I won’t keep trying, though. So far, so good. Here are a few ways I have managed my mental health and maintained long-distance relationships.
Focus on your goals and support your friends.
When your friends travel, it can be tempting to want to do the same. This causes us to be unsatisfied with our lives and creates unrealized jealousy, loneliness, and anxiety.
Understanding that we all have our own varying life goals and that we can’t all stay in the same place to achieve them at the same time can give you a sense of lasting peace. Friends will always leave and we must mentally prepare for it.
This means being intentionally happy for their wins, supporting them with resources where needed and cheering them on. While also focusing on your own goals and doing your best to excel in whatever you have set to do, even if that doesn’t include japa.
Have impromptu calls
Randomly face-time your friends. Talk about everything and anything — be open about your goals as they gradually unfold — the big ones, as well as the small ones. Nothing beats the feeling of talking to a distant friend regularly.
Talk to someone about your feelings
Some people find it difficult to get over close friends relocating. For such people, talking to someone about it may just be the therapy they need to cope. Talking about your vulnerabilities with someone has proven to solve mental stress and anxiety.
Finally, it’s okay if it takes a while to get used to building long-distance relationships with your friends, lover, parents, etc. Eventually, you will get the hang of things and be comfortable in their absence.
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