Who is “The One?”
How To Find The Right Person (or Life Partner)
When I was a teenager, the love calculator was the reigning thing. If there was any award for notorious users, I would have won. I once paired my name with the name of a guy I was crazy about, and the result said 50%. I cried so much that day, you would think someone died. How was it that we were not compatible? I used his other names until I got the result I wanted.
As time went by, the love calculator faded and horoscopes started to reign. I’m not a big fan, but it’s hard to miss that horoscopes have lasted a bit longer than expected and have even evolved. People now use horoscopes to analyze personality traits and determine their compatibility with others.
Then came other standards for measuring compatibility with a person, such as a checklist (criteria that must be met to be deemed compatible with someone).
I think that checklists are not sufficient because, no matter what we think we’re looking for in a partner, the people we wind up choosing don’t necessarily match our criteria for an ideal companion. The reason for this is very simple: we don’t always really want what we say we want.
Here are some important things to note when choosing a partner, based on personal experience.
1. Learn to Love Yourself.
Loving yourself may sound simple and unimportant, but it is a two-phase process that you must consciously practice. First, you need to acknowledge your strengths and weaknesses, then you need to appreciate and love them for what they are.
The truth is, until you appreciate all that you are and own it, there will always be some doubt that you subconsciously show. People will pick up on that self-doubt and not want to partake in that baggage.
How you treat yourself is a billboard showing everyone else how they should treat you. Make sure that message is a good one.
2. Don’t Settle for Less.
There may be times when you feel desperate and pressured to choose a life partner. You would want to adjust, compromise, and maybe even settle for less than what you once wanted. However, I suggest that you be patient. Settling for less will not give you any sense of fulfillment, either in the short or long term.
3. Nurture Great Friendships First.
Marrying your best friend is an old piece of advice that is still relevant today. Friendship is what remains when beauty, money, and other physical qualities fade. Great friendships are a basis for what love. Love is built on the foundation of authentic friendship so nurture a great friendship first, and you will sprout a great relationship.
4. Don’t Forget the Invisible Qualities
My advice would be to choose someone for the feelings they evoke in you and for the quality of their character and soul, not for their looks, their professional accolades, or how much they earn.
All of this will fade, change, or ebb over the course of time. It is better to focus on what’s more critical: the quality and content of their character, the radiance of their soul, how you feel when you’re around them, how they treat you, and what you could notice and know about them if you were blind and could not see.
5. Inspire you to be a better person.
Ultimately, it is best to choose a partner whose goodness and ways of being in the world inspire you to be a better version of yourself, someone who brings out and strengthens parts of you that you may not have even known existed. You owe it to yourself to be with someone who makes your world and life feel bigger, richer, and more fulfilling.
6. Values and Life’s Vision
It’s a nice bonus if you both enjoy the same hobbies and TV shows, but this isn’t make-or-break in a relationship. Sharing similar goals and having a similar vision for life is what makes it work.
If you want children, value higher education, value frugality, and plan to retire rich by age 40 (and you’re dead-set on these plans), then it’s probably best to look for someone with a similar vision and values.
7. Communication Compatibility.
Communication is one of the most important elements of a relationship. If you and your partner are unable to comfortably talk about things or listen to each other, something needs to be done as soon as possible or the relationship needs to end.
You shouldn’t marry a person you can't easily have conversations with. In fact, your partner should be someone you can’t wait to tell how your day went. I don’t think anyone wants a boring partner. I certainly don’t.
8. Spiritually Compatibility
In Nigeria, there is a lot of emphasis on women to be very prayerful. I don’t agree! Spiritual compatibility is a two-way street and partners must agree on their beliefs in faith.
It’s not enough for the person to say they are a Christian; their spiritual energy must match yours. Should you ever waver in your faith or backslide, you need a partner who can call your attention to it—a lover who will strengthen your faith. What matters to you spiritually must matter to them.
This is not a standard checklist; it’s based on my personal experience and that of my friends and family. I hope it helps you in your relationship.
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