My Kids Are Fast Asleep, but My Worries About Them Keep Me Wide Awake
There are many costs of parenthood. For me, the biggest price I paid was sleep.
Before I had kids, I enjoyed a pleasant eight hours of sleep every night. I’d dream about the movies or TV shows I’d just watched or vacations I had recently been on. Each morning when I awoke, I felt well-rested, relaxed, and ready to take on the world.
My, how things have changed after having kids.
Once I became a parent, sleep and I became like oil and water, bound to be separated until the end of time.
Don’t get me wrong, I knew I was signing up for nights of sparse, frequently interrupted sleep during the first weeks and months of my children’s lives. The newborn nocturnalism came as no surprise to me. What did come as a surprise, however, was that even once my children started sleeping through the night, I’d still find it impossible to get a satisfying stretch of shut-eye.
Like many parents, I’ve got a lot on my mind.
After I tuck my girls into bed, I find myself awake, thinking about what the next day will bring.
I question whether I remembered to pack their lunches.
I try to remember if I refilled their water bottles and put them in the fridge so my girls will have cool water for recess.
I get out of bed to double-check that the laundry is in the dryer and the dishwasher is on.
I toss and turn trying to figure out if I should send my girls to school in a thick sweater or a light jacket tomorrow.
I grab my calendar at 3 a.m. because I realize I didn’t write down their next dentist appointments.
But the things that keep me awake stretch far beyond the here and now.
I often think about what life will be like for my children when they grow up.
Are we putting away enough money for their college education?
What kind of planet will they inherit?
Are we setting a good example for them so they know it’s important to be kind and compassionate to everyone they encounter?
Once I start down that rabbit hole, it’s difficult to climb back to reality. I go through the events of the day, reliving each moment when I was a less-than-stellar mother (and there are many). I wonder if my kids noticed and if it will affect them in the future.
Most days when my alarm clock rings, I’m not ready to get out of bed. My eyelids are still heavy because they have been open most of the night. I’m exhausted before we start our morning routine because my mind has been wandering for hours already.
I try to practice good sleep hygiene, exercise often, and eat healthy foods. I know I shouldn’t look at my phone before bed, but it’s often the only time I can catch up with friends. I know I shouldn’t worry so much about what the next day or the next years will bring, but I can’t seem to stop myself. Worrying about my children’s day-to-day needs and what the future will bring for them weighs on my mind each night, no matter how tired I may be.
There are many costs of motherhood. For me, the biggest price I’ve paid has been my sleep. I pay, night after night, with a racing mind, and morning after morning with bleary-eyes.
But while my children are my greatest source of exhaustion, they’re also my greatest source of joy. So I’ll gladly pay again — ideally right after I have a nap.
