There’s No ‘Balance’ When It Comes to Working Motherhood — and That Works for Me
No matter how high-profile the work, I’m always a minute away from changing a dirty diaper — but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I had a baby four years ago. After four months of paid maternity leave, I returned to my job as an associate attorney at a plaintiffs’ employment discrimination firm. I worked hard for my career, and I knew I wanted to continue it after motherhood. However, I dreaded returning to work. I couldn’t imagine not spending my days with this little companion who had recently joined our lives.
Though it was emotionally difficult, I went back to work. I donned a new top and pants I pulled from my transition wardrobe. I slipped on a necklace and some cute new shoes, and through tears, I snapped some selfies with my son. I then left him in the caring arms of my mother-in-law, and, with a few deep breaths, I began my journey as a working mother.
I was fortunate enough to have tremendous flexibility with my firm. I worked from home every Wednesday and relished the opportunity to combine my work life with home life. Later, my son would sometimes join me at the office for committee meetings I co-chaired. Though my roles sometimes blended, I lived a fairly black-and-white life at the time — in the office, I was a lawyer, and at home, I was a mom.
But that all changed two years ago.
In the summer of 2017, I switched my firm status from associate attorney to of counsel and began working from home exclusively. Shortly after, I launched my writing career, had twins, and returned back to my firm as an associate attorney. But this time, instead of returning to an office after my leave, I continued to work for my firm from home.
Recently, the anniversary of the end of my first maternity leave passed. The memories popped up on my phone and reminded me of the emotions and feelings from that time. I showed my oldest son, telling him the story of how Mama went back to her job as a lawyer when he was a baby. I told him about how he spent his days at his sitto’s (grandmother’s) house while I worked downtown, in an office adorned with photos of him.
Of course, my son had zero recollection of that time period. For as long as he can remember, I’ve been home with him. Though I’ve continued to work throughout this time, my professional identity has mostly flown under my kids’ radar.
I choose to live in the gray — that area that doesn’t define me exclusively as mother or employee.
I choose to live in the gray area between staying home and working outside the home. There were many factors that went into this choice, but mainly it has been driven by the feeling that this is where I want to be right now.
In the future, that may change. I anticipate my days will become a bit more black-and-white when all the kids start school in a few years. However, I may continue to let the lines blur even beyond then. Still, right now, I live in the gray.
Living in the gray means I can relate as deeply to the struggles of mothers who work outside the home as I do to stay-at-home-mothers. I’ve been on both sides, and I’ve also long-resided in the middle.
Living in the gray means that I am both high-profile and constantly under the radar. During my time working from home, I won awards for my legal contributions. I’ve been recognized for my writing and advocacy. I’ve gained a global following of tens of thousands who identify with my writing on work and parenthood. Yet, my days are decidedly unglamorous.
Living in the gray has meant that no matter how prominent a legal case I have or how many requests for interviews I’ve received, I’m always a minute away from changing a dirty diaper or taking someone to the potty. The gray area doesn’t allow much room for glamour. On any given day, I can be found jumping in and out of my various roles like I’m playing a game of Double Dutch.
Living in the gray means preparing notes for speaking engagements while being interrupted with eight million snack requests. It means conferencing with judges while rocking babies to sleep. It means building a global brand while wearing yogurt-covered jogging pants.
Sometimes it’s exasperating. Sometimes it’s so exhausting. Sometimes I long for a more black-and-white existence where every responsibility isn’t swirled together like some Frankenstein flavor from Baskin-Robbins.
But the gray that has come to define my career and parenting has also been a choice. I know I could choose a more compartmentalized life but I choose instead to listen to my instincts, follow my heart, and allow myself to live in the messy middle.
Because of this, I am both a better lawyer and a better mother. Because I’ve honored my desire to be home in these early years, I feel a sense of control and ownership over motherhood and career that I might not otherwise have. I’ve chosen to live in the gray — and I am a happier mom because of it.
