Why Parents Need Self-Compassion More Than Self-Care
Combat the frustration, guilt, and stress of parenthood with a self-compassion practice.
Without adequate support from society, parents today face pressures unlike other generations. Self-care has become a popular first-line of defense to this kind of burnout (not to mention, a staple in our vernacular). Less discussed in the context of how we nurture ourselves and cope with the challenges of parenthood is the concept of self-compassion — but it may be an even more powerful tool for moms and dads.
Simply put, self-compassion is treating yourself with the same support, kindness and concern you would show a good friend, explains Kristin Neff PhD, professor of human development and culture and the University of Texas at Austin and author of Self Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. “We’re good at being supportive our friends, but are much less good at doing this for ourselves and turning it inward.”
Self-compassion can take several forms. It could be talking to yourself the way you would talk to a best friend or child says Erica Djossa, a registered psychotherapist with specialized training in maternal mental health and marriage and family therapy and host of the Happy as a Mother podcast. “Think about yourself as 8-year-old you. How would you approach yourself differently? You need to handle your adult self with the same care and compassion as you would handle a child or best friend,” she says.
Physical touch can be another way to show yourself compassion. “The body responds to touch,” Neff says. “Touch is a key indicator for care, so putting your hand on your heart or face can help tell your body you’re literally there to support yourself.”
The benefits of self-compassion for parents
More than 2,200 studies demonstrate the benefits of self-compassion, according to Neff. Research indicates self-compassion helps us to be calmer, more mindful, less anxious, less depressed, and more optimistic. “It’s this phenomenal tool to help us cope with stress and difficult that we don’t use,” she says.
There’s also evidence that self-compassion has physiological perks, such as a better immune response. “The act of self-compassion isn’t just a cognitive process where we tell people be nice to yourself and all will be well,” says Ashurina Ream, a licensed clinical psychologist with advanced training in perinatal mental health. “Being kind to ourselves releases oxytocin. That’s the feel-good hormone that increases feelings of trust and safety.”
Unlike self-care, self-compassion can be deployed during a moment of distress. “Self-care happens off the job. You don’t do that in the moment while your child is having a tantrum. Self-compassion is something you can do during whatever is causing the distress,” Neff says. “Self-compassion is for when the plane is going down not when it’s crashed.”
For example, if your child is throwing a fit, it can be helpful to practice self-compassion by saying things to yourself like, I know this is difficult. I’m here for you. It’ll be okay, you’re doing the best you can. “Say whatever you would say to a friend whose child was tantruming,” Neff says. You may even put your hand on your heart or do some other physical gesture.
While everyone can benefit from self-compassion, parents especially stand to gain.
“Parenting requires endless trial and error, making mistakes and even completely missing the mark at times. Without self compassion to meet us on the other side of those missteps, shame and guilt grow like wildfire,” Djossa says. “Shame and guilt leads to a sense of worthlessness and feeling like we weren’t cut out for the parenting role. Self compassion gives us the ability to dust off our scraped knees when we stumble. It’s the coach that tells us that we are capable and have the skills, we just need to pick ourselves up and keep trying.”
Practicing self-compassion helps our kids learn self-compassion, too.
When you find yourself in that situation where your toddler is melting down in public, not only are you worried about your child and worried about what other people are thinking, but your mirror neurons are resonating with your child’s. Your pain centers are being activated. We feel what others are feeling — and this is especially pronounced with our own children because we’re so connected to them. So in a tantrum scenario, when we give ourselves compassion, we don’t just give ourselves a resource to cope with the stress we’re feeling, but the compassion we show ourselves resonates with our child’s mirror neurons, Neff explains.
How to practice self-compassion IRL
“Practicing self compassion is a daily commitment to awareness and reshaping your inner dialogue. It is something that takes time and realistic expectations are key. We aren’t going to undo 30 years of the inner critic in one self compassion exercise, but all you need is a commitment to try,” Djossa says.
There are a number of ways to practice self-compassion or challenge uncompassionate thoughts throughout your daily life.
Friend yourself. One underlying principle of self-compassion is treating yourself the way you’d treat a friend. Ream suggests going as far as to ask yourself daily, How can I be a better friend to myself? “It’s a great reflective exercise,” she says.
Quiet your inner critic. When the chatter inside your brain becomes overly critical, try to imagine what you would say to child you or to your best friend, Djossa says. “Speak to yourself the way you would want your child to speak to themselves in the situation,” she advises.
Use an affirmation. Mantras and affirmations can reinforce self-compassionate thinking, Ream says. A few she uses with her patients include, I am deserving of love; I give myself permission to feel my feelings; and I will be gentle with myself.
Focus on what went well. Instead of fixating on what went wrong or your perceived failures, consciously focus on all the things that went well during the day, Djossa says.
Write some compassionate statements. Identify the areas you are hardest on yourself about, and create a list of compassionate statements in your phone to counteract your inner-critic, Djossa suggests. “Mindfully chose to return to this list and internalize it,” she says.
Talk to a professional. “Many clients I work with wrestle with self compassion because deep down inside they feel unworthy,” Djossa says. “If you feel unworthy, practicing self compassion can be really hard and seeking a therapist who can help unpack those negative beliefs about would be beneficial.”
