An email from Disney to the Make-A-Wish Foundation, regarding the hundreds of children who want to see Star Wars Episode 7: The Force Awakens

Dear Make-A-Wish Foundation Team,

As the release date for “Star Wars Episode 7: The Force Awakens” draws closer, we could not be more excited. Hundreds of children have asked to see the film as their dying wish, and we’re proud to announce that the movie is finally ready for them to watch. Disney is thrilled to be a part of so many kid’s lives, and we understand that many of them do not expect to make it to December 18th for the public box office release. Further, we would like to extend our warmest wishes to their families in hope that the movie puts a smile on as many of their faces as possible, while we have the chance.

Now that’s out of the way, we would like to aggressively remind you of the non-disclosure agreement that has been given to each of your dying kids. Yes they’re not going to live much longer, but that doesn’t make the contract they signed any less binding. Our team is scouring the internet for spoilers, and if we see anything that breaks the legality of our arrangement we will not hesitate to sue.

We understand that many of these children will not live into adulthood. Many will not have a chance to attend college. Few will live to experience their dreams. While we are deeply sympathetic about this, it doesn’t change the fact that Mark Hamill’s role in the new film is still very much under wraps. If any child should even whisper to their parents and reveal that Luke Skywalker is now a gungan, we will set a court date.

We feel privileged to “wave our wands” and grant the wishes of these youngsters. Imagining the amount of pure joy our film will bring them touches our corporate heart, and we can’t wait for them to watch it. On the other hand, It would be a shame if that same heart was broken over the leaked details about Kylo Ren’s backstory and why is lightsaber is so fiery-looking. Please don’t break our heart. Please don’t tempt us to file a lawsuit. Though spreading happiness is important to us, a box-office-smashing-success is a slightly larger priority to us.

Attached to this email, you’ll find the official Make-A-Wish release of the film. JJ Abrams incredibly proud of the final product, and we hope you enjoy it.

PS: When a pop-up asks children to start monitoring their internet activity and watching them through their webcams, click “OK”. This is a harmless way for us to pinpoint exactly who posts the spoiler that BB-8 is R2D2’s father.