Chris Rock’s morning at the Oscars
Where I imagine how Chris Rock’s morning would have been, as he was getting ready to host Oscars 2016
Meanwhile, somewhere inside the dark chambers of the 7th floor, in a corner meant for Jack Nicholson’s drinks and Mel Gibson’s Bible & his anti-semite rantbook, the marksman is oiling his bows and applying lacquer on his arrows (or the other way around..one could never tell in that darkness), while sharpening his nails at the same time. He looks a bit jittery as he works on his eyes. It is very evident that he is training hard and is preparing to take shots at those seldomly used dummy targets there in the corner. The tall building that is housing these targets is swaying quite violently in the storm that is passing through that morning, while the electricity supply has been erratic for the past 7–8 hours. The LED sign outside the building should have read “Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences.”, but the storm had done some damage and at this moment, it reads “Nope. A Sad Discriminatory Team”.
In case you don’t know what AMPAS (short for Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences) is, here you go:
The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences (AMPAS) is a self-applauding professional honorary organization, consisting of mostly white men over 50 years old, with the stated illusion of advancing the arts and sciences of motion pictures. The Academy’s corporate management and general policies are overseen by a highly self-serving Board of Governors, again mostly mostly men and may be mostly white. The board includes representatives who are picked based on their lobbying power from each of the craft branches.
The roster of the Academy’s approximately 6,000 motion picture professionals is a “closely guarded secret.” And it is not hard to understand why. While the great majority of its members are based in the United States, membership is open to qualified filmmakers around the world. Please note the phrase “it is open”, because all it means is that there is no mandate that the academy should have professionals from outside the US.
The Academy is known around the world for its annual Academy Awards, officially known as The “Oscars”, but more popularly known as The “Meryl Streep Awards”.
Chris Rock, this year’s marksman, has everything going for him. He is funny, He is from New York and He is Black. Ok, not excatly everything going for him..But, you get the picture.
He continues to take aim at his dummy targets, without really being sure if Cheryl Boone Isaacs, the President of AMPAS, could overhear his whispering joke venoms attached to those arrows. In a conference room not too far from where Chris is, Cheryl is giving finishing touches to the list of presenters and performers for the evening, while her assistant is using her mobile phone as a source of light for Cheryl.
“Priyanka Chop..who?”, Cheryl wasn’t entirely sure who this was.
“That girl from Quantico..”, her assistant yowls from her side.
Cheryl nods her head in acknowledgement. And a smile creeps in.
“You got that Chris..? Another non-white in the list..”, Cheryl yells from inside, hoping Chris could hear her.
“Now, enough with those #OscarsSoWhite jokes!”.
Chris shakes his head, takes some quick notes and starts talking to himself.
“Sofia, Priyanka, Dev, Benicio, Quincy, John Legend, Pharrell, Kerry, Byung-hun, Olivia Munn and Lady Gaga..Isn’t that such a diversified list we have this year?. Wow…Don’t think we have had a show full of so many diversified talent..err..from around the world..”.
The tone in the voice quite clearly underlines how proud Cheryl is with her almost final list.
“Olivia and Gaga in your diversity list?. Gotto be kidding me..”, Chris can’t take it. But, he looks completely helpless at this point.
“Cheryl, Do you remember that Trump-Black Panther joke? Is it in or out?..”, Chris yells back.
“Told ya..Stop calling Beyonce for hosting tips..”, Cheryl.
“So, that means it’s out..”, Chris strikes off one more in his list.
“At this rate, you might as well call Billy Crystal to host the show..!!”, a visibly displeased Chris.
A mobile phone rings.
“Hey Chris, This is Jada..Want to let you know how disappointed I am — we are.. actually… with you this year. You couldn’t even..”.
Chris goes back to the corner and takes a sip from a glass that resembles the ones they serve at Mos Eisley Cantina in Planet Tatooine and just then the power supply comes back on. Cheryl gets up from her chair, completely content with her list..and she starts walking out of the conference room, taking a quick glance at her list.
“Hmm, may be just to mix things up a bit, we should add Morgan Freeman and Reese Witherspoon to the list. What do you say Chris?”..
“..Of course. G-R-E-A-T Idea Cheryl. See you in the evening!!”.
“Chris, sweetie, no surprises this evening…Alright..?”
Chris Rock, now in a complete state of despair reaches into his pocket and picks up his phone.
“Ricky, My man!! Need your help…”.