Disney Announces 5 New Star Wars Films
Rogue One: A Star Wars Story finally explained one of the greatest mysteries from the original 1977 film. No, not who shot first. I’m talking about that other mystery. We all remember Princess Leia hiding the Death Star plans in R2D2, but who actually stole those plans? Finally, we have our answer!
With Rogue One opening to incredible box office success, Disney executives have already confirmed which story lines and characters will get their own spin-off movies in the coming years.
Star Wars fans rejoice! We’ve been waiting for these stories to be told our whole lives! Grab your lightsaber and cuddle up inside a dead tauntaun! You won’t want to miss these flicks when they come to a theater near you!
1. City of Clouds (2017)
Yes! The story that needed to be told! Lando Calrissian is a young, suave smuggler who travels around with his pal Han Solo causing mischief around the galaxy. After losing his ship to Han in a card game, Lando searches for new meaning in his life. That’s when he is visited by Marty McFly, a teenage whippersnapper from 1985, who tells him that one day he’s going to be mayor. Marty and Lando work together to help win the Cloud City mayoral election. Mayor Lando Calrissian? I like the sound of that!
2. No Droids Allowed (2018)
We all remember the wacky aliens drinking at the Cantina in A New Hope, but we often forget about the Cantina’s hardened barkeep. Well not anymore! In No Droids Allowed we get to see that guy grow up as a poor farmer’s son on Tatooine. Slowly but surely he’ll become super racist against droids for taking jobs away from hardworking people like his father. Then one day, two space robbers try to steal everything he has and are stopped by KT3…a droid. What results is a love story that transcends race, skin, and manufacturer warranties as the barkeep and KT3 enter into a sinful union. Will he be able to put aside the racist rhetoric of his father in order to find love? Or will he fall into his old habits of using colorful, anti-droid racial slurs like “no bloods” that’ll make white people so uncomfortable that this film has already been nominated for 6 academy awards!
3. Broda (2019)
Yoda is one of the most iconic characters in the entire Star Wars franchise. He’s wise, he’s powerful, he’s respectable. Now we’ll get to witness his jedi training that led to him becoming a jedi master and eventually the head of the Jedi Council. There’s just one problem…his wacky, wisecracking brother is in town! It’s The Odd Couple meets Step Brothers but with muppets! Witness the dawn of Yoda’s signature speaking style when clumsy Broda accidentally shreds an important speech that Yoda needs to deliver and then tries to glue it back together but totally gets the words in the wrong order. Comedy gold this is! See this movie you must!
4. Stenography Wars (2020)
If there’s one thing the prequel trilogy got right, it’s the senate meetings. What a perfect way to illustrate the rise of The Empire than by having hundreds of forgettable politicians argue in a room. In Stenography Wars, we meet Lu, a headstrong, female character that reddit is already furious about. She recently became the official stenographer of the Galactic Senate and must take notes for every meeting. One day she notices some rather strange comments from a certain Senator Palpatine. Suspecting a slide into fascism, Lu sets off on an adventure in government bureaucracy in an effort to save the galaxy. She’ll meet all sorts of powerful characters that can help her, unfortunately they all work for the government so they take their lunch at the same time and leave at 5pm on the dot. It’s basically an entire movie of nothing getting done that ends with fascism being welcomed with applause.
5. Figrin B’ob and Son (2021)
If there’s one business that’s completely recession proof in the Star Wars universe, it’s robot hands. Robot hands are constantly needed on the count of all those lightsaber fights resulting in hands getting chopped off. But who makes those? Meet Figrin B’ob, a blue collar alien from Clak’dor VII. He’s dedicated his whole life to starting his own robot hand factory, Figrin B’ob and Son Robot Hands, and now it’s time for his son to take over the family business. Unfortunately his son, Figrin D’an, has plans to move to the big city and become a jazz musician. Get ready to hear the first jam sessions and basement tapes of Figrin D’an and Modal Nodes as they get the band back together for the first time! This film also ties into the incredibly racist 2018 film, No Droids Allowed. Remember how uncomfortable that movie made you? Well now it’s canon so we’ll never let you forget it!
Kevin Froleiks is a New York based comedian. Follow him on twitter or check out his website to find out where he’s performing next. His comedy album, Jokes I Don’t Really Do Anymore, is available for free on his website as well. You can also check out his podcast, We Wrote A Musical, on iTunes.
