I’ve always thought I’ve matured a lot, having endured nearly ten years in New York. Not only have I held a stoic attitude toward most things in life, I’ve also always been arrogant — arrogant about my own adaptability and arrogant about my emotional stability.

After the initial honeymoon period lasting the months since moving to Sweden ended, I realized I still wasn’t mature enough in this new environment.

Swedish Culture Emphasizes Conformity

Swedish culture is quite unique. Swedes emphasize conformity — actually, quite like Asians, in class they are reluctant to be the first person to speak; in the workplace they prefer to keep a low profile rather than be an office celebrity. Everything they do, they do in a group, including taking their lunch and coffee breaks. You can imagine the entire office staff closing up their laptops and walking over to the restaurant in sync.

This is completely opposite from American workplace culture. In America, everything is done individually, and the culture is unsympathetic to quiet people — basically, regardless of whether or not you truly have merit, as long as you are willing to speak up, you get more opportunities than other people.

This culture shock has distressed me a lot as of late — I suddenly don’t know how to be a normal colleague.

The Cultural Shock — Minding Your Own Business

I had to learn to put aside my work for a coffee break; I had to force myself to go with the group, even if you really want time to yourself; I had to do a lot of menial things, like printing and scanning documents by myself, because Swedish professional culture has no concept of hierarchy, so you have to be very careful not to tell someone of lower rank to do something that will waste their time; I even had to learn how to avoid communication, since Swedes are big on avoiding confrontation.

Indeed, avoiding confrontation is also a part of their culture. If there are conflicting opinions in the workplace, you hardly hear any arguments; if there is any resentment between friends, you’d just slowly grow apart, but you’ll never know why; in love, once there is any conflict, a break up or divorce is the only solution. This is also why Sweden’s divorce rate is so high; nearly everyone’s parents has had at least one divorce.

In order to adapt to this culture, my recent mood has been very unstable. Besides having to keep all workplace grievances to yourself and process them privately, you also have to be extra cautious that your actions are not affecting those around you, because what we think is normal, such as asking a colleague a question or expressing doubt over the quality of their work, can be considered a faux pas here. Mores so than focusing on the quality of work, the Swedes are even more concerned with not disturbing others and minding one’s own business.

The Learning Process — Knowing When to Walk Away

Yesterday, I chatted with a friend at a café for quite a while. Looking at it from a different angle, these days working in Sweden are really the true test of my maturity.

The most important part of this test is training myself to control my emotions. Wherever you are, the most important part of keeping your emotions under control is learning to process emotional baggage by yourself to alleviate your insecurities.

Workplace communication is indeed extremely important. Regarding this, I must admit that the Swedish approach isn’t ideal; yet in love, processing one’s own problems and not disturbing one’s significant other, even not trying to change the other person, is not an immature outlook on relationships.

Say you met someone who is incompatible with you. Rather than wasting time arguing and trying to change each other, why not choose to leave and enjoy life?

Maybe you’ll say that’s irresponsible, but to the Swedes, this is actually a show of respect for each others’ personalities. Maybe you’ll say this approach won’t be accepted by tradition, but to them, more so than being restrained by traditional views, the most important thing is to live one’s life with happiness.

Some may even say this approach is too impractical, because you’ll never meet someone who is a perfect fit. Yet, to them, they’d rather be alone than waste a single second on someone who isn’t a match.

Happiest People in the Darkest (perhaps Coldest) Land

I think perhaps this is the best lesson Sweden has taught me. Though Scandinavian winters are dark and endless, though Nordic temperatures hover near zero for half of the year, but these countries always come out on top in happiness indices. Perhaps it’s exactly because of these ideas of “loving oneself first”.

Being selfish for happiness means not wasting time on unhappiness; avoiding conflict means not encountering anything that can impact your emotions; eschewing tradition means not having any obligations to faithless pursuits.

To accomplish all of this, inner strength and emotional stability become really important, because only you can keep your emotions in check so that you can ignore others’ opinions and society’s prescriptive ideologies in order to truly enjoy the happiness that selfishness brings.

I still have a long way ahead of me, but for the sake of happiness, I’m willing to continue exploring this path.

Official website- hsunick.com

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