Not Ready Yet…

I’m currently writing a screenplay about a woman who takes care of her dying mother. In the process she discovers things about herself as well as family secrets that irrevocably change her life and her relationship with her mother. And one of the things she starts doing is writing a blog. Like this. It helps her sort out her feelings. Make sense of things.

So, for the last 17 years I’ve had my mother living with me and I’ve taken care of her. And for the last 3 years she’s been mostly dependant…bedridden…unable to do the simple things of life without assistance. Two weeks ago she died in my arms.

My screenplay is not really about my life. But it is. Obviously, when they say “write what you know” they don’t mean write about your actual life. My screenplay is just a story. But the emotional push and pull, the feelings I want to evoke in the movie that will eventually get made are from my actual life. So now I find that I’m not ready.

I haven’t written a single word on my screenplay for two weeks. Not. A. Single. Word. I’m usually a voracious writer. I write every day. I zip through a first draft in record time. It’s the subsequent drafts where I take my time, crafting each and every sentence, every line of dialogue, the peaks and valleys, the nuances…relishing (sometimes agonizing) over each and every word choice in order to paint the picture, set the scene, create the emotional truth.

I am stuck. I can’t write. Perhaps I feel if I do I will start grieving and I’m not ready. I don’t know. What I do know is that my character writes a blog and through it is able to discover her truth. So I decided to write a blog, hoping that through the process I will find my truth and my center, once again.