“Oh Shit,” Thinks America, “The Oscars Next Year”

On the list of worries Americans have to face with the unpredictable advent calendar of catastrophe and bigotry known as a Donald Trump presidency, somewhere near the top rests the fact that 2017’s Oscars ceremony is going to be even more insufferably political than ever before.

“I figured this year, even though Trump is gonna inspire a bunch of really cringey protest speeches from the winners, at least they wouldn’t all be super-white rich folk,” thought Dennis O’Malley from Richmond, VA. “Then Birth of a Nation’s chances went up in smoke on account of the director being only 15% less of a terrible person than our next president. So really, it’s up to Moonlight or Fences to get some nominations, otherwise we’re looking at Casey Affleck getting a standing ovation just for talking about Planned Parenthood.”

Indeed, across the country, the same sentiment was expressed in groans of dismay. Leticia Caster from Portland, OR weighed in: “What better way for Hollywood to tell Americans who voted for Obama twice and then switched to Trump ‘We Are All Part of the Same Country, Let’s Heal These Divides’ than by fellating themselves with 10 nominations for La La Land? That’s a fresh choice. It’s not like they’ve congratulated themselves with a Best Picture win for a movie about their industry before. Well, except for Birdman, and The Artist, and Argo.

“If Mark Ruffalo presents Best Animated Short, I guarantee he’s gonna tie it into climate change. Hard guarantee.”

In fact, bingo sheets are already being generated for the upcoming Oscars broadcast early next year.

Yes, it’s sure to be another divisive Oscar season, but though our country may be shredded in half, and our roots soaked with hate and lies, a national survey revealed that 98% of Republicans and Democrats alike said Jimmy Fallon would be the “worst fucking host” to pick. Baby steps!

We’ll see you at the Dolby Theater in 2017!