On filmmaking, mentors, and self-belief…
I guess I should be getting a head start on my new job which is to start a fundraising campaign for a documentary film. I should probably also be writing to the crew to let them know that I’m still on board…am I? I’ve been M.I.A for the past two weeks, so clearly it doesn’t seem like it. I suppose I have trouble bouncing directly from one project to another without even a mental break in between. The trouble with filmmaking is you get cosy with one crew and suddenly it’s over and you have to start all over again with the next crew. This can be a blessing if the last crew was terrible because you’re thinking “thank God I don’t have to see them again”, or “hopefully this new crew is better”, sometimes I might think “oh God why am I even in filmmaking?” But when you meet a great crew, it gets tough leaving them for another crew. Mostly because you’re thinking you have to start all over again and you don’t want to leave them behind and what if this new crew isn’t as cool and fun as the last crew?
Yeah, no one ever talks about this, but being in filmmaking is heart-wrenching. You go through this psychological and emotional turmoil at the beginning and end (ok even in the middle) of every film project. You have to meet new people, be friendly and professional (the two don’t always easily go hand in hand) and you have to get to know the way people function super fast, so that the project benefits from good people management and team work. And then you have to say bye to everyone and start all over again! I’m not sure how many other kinds of jobs require this of people on a regular basis. This is kind of the obscur side of filmmaking that doesn’t get discussed all that much or that most people don’t consider when they first decide to get in the business. Eventually my goal, and I imagine that’s how others before me have reasoned, is that the business is lucrative and you become sufficiently well-known that you can choose your crew and call back the people you start to consider your family. At the moment though I’m still trying to prove I’m worth getting paid for the work I’m providing…but I’ll get there. My film family will be A-M-A-Z-I-N-G, and then I will rule the world.
So anyway this last project I was on, I’ve been getting a lot of constructive criticism and professional advice from the filmmaker who just seems to have taken me under his wing, which has not happened to me in years… I’ve been journaling about it in the past too, the fact that I feel like I’d really like a mentor but that if I never came across one I shouldn’t let that stop me from accomplishing any writing I need to do. The thing is, it’s always positive to have someone around helping you along, rooting for you, encouraging you to pursue and not give up. If we all knew how to play sports without any guidance or support we wouldn’t need coaches anymore. We’d just go out there and be good at football or baseball… In reality though we are all paralysed by fear and procrastination at some point in our lives. It really feels like you know you should be doing something but you’re not doing it because you’re afraid that people will think it’s bad, or you just bail out to watch another Amy Schumer youtube video because she’s hilarious and she’s made it and then you start day-dreaming you might make it too one day…and then BAM there you are thinking, “I need to get my shit together”. Damn vicious cycle.
But it’s good, really, having people out there to admire, it’s great when you’ve got enough distance to realize that they have also been working their asses off to get to where they are now. We don’t discuss these years of brutal torture of birthing terrible scripts one after the other until one of them is okay-ish and someone picks it up and says “hmm…you might have talent. Let’s give you a chance.” In any case more than having famous people to look up to, it’s also a real kick to have someone you have a personal relationship with showing you encouragement and support, because they’ve been there before and want to provide some sort of guidance for you. I put that wish out there a while back, I asked for a mentor, and now perhaps I’ve found him. Perhaps this is the very beginning of a new adventure for me, where even if we don’t meet regularly, or he doesn’t call on me to hand in my “homework” like my teachers used to, the expression of his interest for my writing is enough to put me back on track and tell myself I really do need to pick things up a little. Waiting around for someone to like your writing enough to publish it, or to love your screenplay enough to produce it isn’t always the answer for everyone.
Perhaps sometimes all you need is for you to believe in your own work and to publish or produce it yourself.
And now I’m really satisfied with myself because I’ve written a new article and I can have that glorious smirk on my face…and the nagging thought that this “high” will not sustain itself forever if I don’t write again real soon.
