This Year’s Oscars Red Carpet is Dyed with my Menstrual Blood!
The 2017 Academy Awards are going to be exciting. Period!
Tomorrow night I’m rolling out the red carpet which I’ve dyed with my menstrual blood. It is an outstanding honor and I owe a debt of gratitude to the Hollywood Foreign Press Association for granting me this esteemed privilege.
An average of 37 million people tune in to the Oscars telecast each year, but many viewers don’t realize the tremendous time and effort put into the event before it goes live.
The selection process is fast and at times unforgiving. A month before the Oscars, five lucky menstruating humans* are selected by the moon goddess Selene to bleed the way to the Dolby Theatre. The nominees are evaluated by the HFPA based on viscosity, flow, and of course performance. A winner is then selected, but if on the rare chance the winner’s cycle has ended early or was modified by menstrual suppression, their nomination is revoked and passed on to the first runner-up.**
When Selene picked me, I couldn’t believe it. Ever since I was a little girl I’ve dreamed of this moment — sitting on the toilet, rehearsing how I’d bleed in front of the bathroom mirror. At 1:30 pm ET on Feb. 26 (on E!), my wildest dreams will come true.
Every month I bleed, but not every month celebrities get to walk all over my used pad. So tomorrow night, let there be blood!
*The title was formerly known as “The Bleeding Lady” but it has been changed to “The Bleeding Player” to be more inclusive.
**In the eighty-nine year history of the Academy Awards, only a handful of Bleeding Players have had their red carpet privileges revoked. Most notably was Oona Nylund in 1995. Nylund unfortunately skipped her placebo pills during the month of February and was unable to perform. When she failed to bleed, Diana Yusuf replaced her. While reporting before the ceremony, Joan Rivers famously said, “Diana’s done a fabulous job but too bad it’s curtains for Oona’s carpet.”
