5 Artists I Want Nothing To Do With Outside of Summer
They’re safe during June, July, and August. Play them any other time, and we’ve got a problem.
I love the fall more than any season. Football makes its glorious return, it starts to get cool outside, and my electric bill stops trying to wreck my whole life.
I’m pretty much in a good mood right up until that first frost, and I’ve noticed that my musical palate shifts significantly with the changing seasons.
I’m not talking about the staples in my musical diet, but rather those outlying artists that you happen upon while you’re in a store, or while you’re accidentally listening to the radio in your car.
The enjoyment/tolerability of certain artists varies greatly depending on environment and circumstance. I’m not ever going to go out of my way to listen to Justin Beiber, but I’ll be damned if on occasion I haven’t caught myself joyfully singing along to “Love Yourself” when it happens upon my ear. It’s an odd thing, right? For me, nothing swings the pendulum of listenability for certain artists like seasons do.
Here are my top five artists that I’m not at all excited to hear if it isn’t blazing hot outside. I’ve assigned each a number on a scale of 1 to 10 in terms of their listenability during the winter, the season widely regarded as the opposite of summer.
Sublime
This entire list came about through my discovery of how much I hate Sublime anytime it isn’t 100 degrees outside. No band makes me feel as if I’m two different persons like Sublime does. I hate them most of the time, however, if I’m driving down the highway and I can feel the sting of my arm getting sunburned while hanging out the window, the smell of chlorine and sunscreen lotion lingering in the air, and I’m wearing sunglasses that I’ve somehow managed not to lose yet, and it’s Friday and I’ve just been paid and I turn on the radio for some reason, and “What I Got” comes on, you can bet your shiny new penny that I am going to access the dark part of my brain that stores all of the terrible lyrics I memorized as an adolescent, and I’m going to eagerly belt every word.
Now, just as soon as the temperature drops below 90 degrees, a longstanding psychological restraining order against all of Sublime’s music comes into uncompromising effect. I will do whatever is necessary to either escape or jettison the source of that nonsense as far away from me as possible. In 10 trillion years when the universe is fizzling out during its inevitable heat death, I suspect the laws of physics will bend to allow “Two Joints” to break through the vacuum of space as a soundtrack to the utter dissolution of matter.
Winter Listenability: 0.0
Vampire Weekend
Imagine you are grocery shopping (looking at iTunes) and you see bananas (Vampire Weekend) and you say “Oh man, bananas! I don’t ever think about them but I really like bananas (Vampire Weekend). They aren’t on my list (iTunes library) but I’m going to get them (listen to Vampire Weekend).” So you take them home and set them on the counter on the day you buy them (summer). You eat (listen to) one, two at most, but then a week later (winter) you happen to look up and see four really nasty bananas (Vampire Weekend’s music in the winter.) You think “I guess I could freeze them and make banana bread,” but you know the truth. You’re never going to get around to making banana bread (no analogy here). You should just throw them out. You can buy more bananas (listen to Vampire Weekend) the next time you go to the store (next summer).
Winter Listenability: 2
Taylor Swift
People who don’t like Taylor Swift can go ahead and get over themselves. Seriously. I have no use for a conversation about Taylor Swift that doesn’t involve talking about what a baller she is. That would be a waste of my time. That is about as useful as a conversation about IPA beer. Everyone knows IPA beer is gross; they just don’t want to admit that they were just trying to be trendy in 2010, but they’re in too deep now and they would rather choke down Ranger IPA for a decade than admit their shame. Let’s just all accept that T-Swift is awesome and IPA beer tastes like sour goat milk.
Here’s the problem. If I’m listening to Taylor Swift in the summer, I’m probably listening to her on the radio in my car and enjoying every second of a nice summer day. But if I’m listening to Taylor Swift in the winter, I’m probably in a mall somewhere Christmas shopping and I’m hating everything about my life. Furthermore, I have no patience for pop music echoing along with the screams of children that should have made an appearance on Santa’s naughty list, but are instead arguing with their parents about how much they deserve “blah blah” new expensive toy. By the way, while we’re talking about it, what the hell happened with the price of Legos? How does 15 tiny plastic pieces in a box cost $20? Who is paying for this?
Winter Listenability: 3
Nelly
I can’t imagine listening to “Ride Wit Me” in my car, with the windows all frosty and rolled up, the sun disappearing behind the silhouette of barren trees while the clock on the dash reading “5:12 PM”. Thanks for trying, Nelly, and no one doubts your undying commitment to getting it hot in hurr, but you’re no match for the changing of the seasons.
Winter Listenability: 1
Metallica
I love Metallica and I don’t care who knows it. I just think that when the bears go into their caves to hibernate for the winter, so should all of Metallica’s music. See you in the spring when I’m pretending to try to get into shape again.
Winter Listenability: 3
Bonus: Maroon 5
Hahahahaha. I’m just kidding. Maroon 5’s listenability is 0.0 all year round. I’d rather listen to Rush Limbaugh eat oysters for an hour than any of Maroon 5’s songs.
Winter/Spring/Summer/Fall Listenability: 0
