Because You Never Know.

The Unlikely Preppers.

Lisa Martens
May 5, 2019 · 2 min read
You ready? Photo by Alla Hetman on Unsplash

“Ask yourself this question: Are you ready? Are you really ready? What would you do right now if a Hammerhead fell out of the sky? Would you be prepared?”

Narrator: Frank Martin, 48, has assembled his family and armed them all with chainsaws. They are preparing for a tornado of sharks to take over the island of Manhattan. Frank’s wife, Beth, has no idea that they are about to spend the weekend practicing slicing sharks out of the air. She believes they’re going to marriage counseling.

“We have to practice with sharks I froze. It’s not ideal, because they’re not biting, but it will have to do. I just have to hope that when the time comes, the training will be ingrained enough that my children will survive.”

“The bees are going to rebel. They’re tired of us killing them. Of us taking their honey. We need to prepare for this. And if they work with the cows, pigs, and chickens?”

Narrator: Joe Walsh has been terrified of an animal uprising since he saw a children’s movie on the subject. While the movie was critically panned, Joe has built a Vauban-style fort to protect his family against the revolting bees and livestock. Joe has six children with two different women, who both prefer Joe pay child support instead of building a fort in the woods to guard against killer bees and cows. Joe has a court appearance date he will not be attending because of his beekeeping course.

“I believe in eating meat, so I want to have animals I can use for sustenance, but I’m also afraid of the animals revolting. So you see the predicament I’m in. My exes just don’t see the big picture here.”

“I have spent almost $50,000 in preparing for this. It’s going to happen any day. We don’t want those dark times to come, but if they do, I know my family will be okay. Even if I have to sacrifice myself. I keep one bullet in my pocket…for myself. Just in case.”

Narrator: Dennis Furino is preparing for a world where the Beanie Babies trend returns. He has enough ammunition in his magazine to shoot everyone in his hometown seven times. That’s enough ammo to kill every Beanie Baby in the tri-state area. Dennis accidentally shot off his big toe while training for the Beanie Babies apocalypse, so our experts estimate his survival time at 3 weeks.

“I don’t exactly agree with the experts, but I understand their concern. I have to work on my accuracy and perhaps find a more remote location to ride out the trend. I just know that when it hits the fan…people will turn into savages. Everyone will fend for themselves.”

Lisa Martens

Written by

Always and never the same🖤🕸 Buy me an iced latte: https://ko-fi.com/lisamartens Links: https://linktr.ee/lisathewriter 📚 lisa.snetram@gmail.com

“Are you okay?”

Stories that cause “concern.” Feminism. Satire. Humor. Misc.

Lisa Martens

Written by

Always and never the same🖤🕸 Buy me an iced latte: https://ko-fi.com/lisamartens Links: https://linktr.ee/lisathewriter 📚 lisa.snetram@gmail.com

“Are you okay?”

Stories that cause “concern.” Feminism. Satire. Humor. Misc.

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