When you doubt yourself while others cruise by
Doubting yourself, feeling insufficient, feeling like you are nothing but an imposter, feeling like you are not good enough, feeling like you can never take your foot off the pedal, even for a single moment…
We might have been there, we may still be there, at least I am still there. No amount of extrinsic rewards can fix my problem. I still think that I am crappy in some of the things that I do. I still think that I am not good enough to be somewhere I want to be. I still have a huge imposter syndrome.
I strive for perfection but it always is too far away from my grasp. It is hard for me to accept that the journey is the most important part, even though I always say to myself that I have to embrace the journey. I sometimes get too goal oriented that I forget about the journey. While I should be focusing on learning from my mistakes, I start to mull over all the goals I failed to meet. As a result, I fail to learn important lessons, I fail to meet my goals and I fail to enjoy the journey.
I know that there will always be someone better than I am and I know that there will always be a better version of myself. Everyone around me say that I am on the right track. I tell to myself that I am on the right track. Everyone thinks that I steaming ahead with full force. I don’t want this small voice which always whispers that I am just being lucky. I want to believe that I am really good with certain things.
I always tell myself that “Failure is not an option” and this mentality has pushed me to a point where I am today. I didn’t take break, I didn’t take time-off, I forgot to enjoy life, I forgot to balance my equations and sometimes, I forget to be mindful.
For those people out there who are in the same place as I am, who feel the same thing as I do, who have to go through the same loop as I have to, you are not alone. We should remember to hit the reset button from time to time, we have to remember that it is okay to lift our foot from the paddle so that we can breathe for a while to reorganize our thoughts, we have to remember that we should celebrate what we have accomplished, no matter how insignificant they are and we must always remember to be mindful.
You are accountable to no one but yourself. Smile at your family and tell them that you’re getting better. Smile at yourself in the mirror tell that you are getting better.