Discussing the NBA’s Most Recognizable Moves
Because apparently NBA Rankings are all the rage now
The NBA is just around the corner and everyone is getting ready for the season their own way. Some of these preparations have become yearly traditions, like DeMar “Dobe” DeRozan getting upset at Sports Illustrated NBA rankings even though Sports Illustrated NBA rankings mean absolutely nothing. Other’s are getting their League Pass rankings in order (looks at Brandon Anderson). And I’m just sitting here watching soccer and football until basketball completes my holy trinity of sports.
Instead of bothering to rank players, and God-forbid get into another Twitter war with Raptors fans when I rank DeMar out of the top 30, I’d rather do something else. A lot of NBA players have moves. Some of them have quirky little things they do after scoring a basketball, others have a particular reaction that is instantly recognizable as theirs. Others own a particular brand of step-back that scorches defenses far and wide. Let’s talk about these things instead.
Jonas Valanciunas “Don’t Get the Ball and Pout” Move
I play a lot of soccer. Growing up, I played A LOT of soccer. I used to be on a development team for a major club in Eastern Europe. So when I play soccer now I often get frustrated when some amateur jabroni (top five insult word) on my team decides that he thinks he’s David Beckham and takes on 4 defenders inadvertently losing the ball. That pisses me off and then I play the whole rest of the game like someone just curb stomped my goldfish. That’s the best way I can describe JV 7 minutes into a basketball game.
The Raptors are an Isolation heavy team, and even when they run the pick and roll, the ball-handler usually ends up taking a shot anyways. This results into many videos of Jonas cutting to the hoop only not to get the ball. Devoid of any creative ideas of how to make an impact in other ways, Jonas resorts to slumping his entire body and acting like a deflated air balloon. It’s very recognizable and very Jonas.
The Kevin Durant “I Don’t Care, But I Really Do” Move
This move has very little to nothing to do with basketball as a sport, but has a lot to do with Kevin Durant as a person. After a year of trying to convince us that he doesn’t care what we think, I don’t think Kevin Durant has been able to convince himself that he doesn’t care what we think. This move unfolds in two stages. One is Kevin Durant publicly stating he doesn’t care what we think. Two is Kevin Durant arguing with everyone who’s opinion even remotely hurts his feelings while also not forgetting to occasionally say “I don’t care what you think.”
Of course this move is now even more recognizable given the latest revelations about Kevin’s shady online dealings.
The Greg Popovich Emasculation Timeout Move
Greg Popovich is many things, but one thing he is not, is kind to his players in the middle of a heated NBA Game. There is only one criteria for this particular moment. The Spurs have messed on 2 to 3 continuous possessions prompting Pop to call a timeout. It doesn’t matter if the Spurs are up by 5, 25 or down by 10, the moment there are consecutive mistakes the emasculation time-out is coming. It is in that time that Greg Popovich will lay into an entire team with a ferocity of that wolf that chased Liam Neeson through the cold, snowy woods in that one “Liam Neeson is a badass movie.” Sometimes a single player can be so unlucky as to catch the full of Pop’s ire, in which case he receives such a talking down it becomes hereditary and his descendants actually have to add it to their resume in the future.
The John Wall Has a Problem With You Move
John Wall has a lot of problems with you and your kin, in particular if you ask John Wall. He has squared off against a variety of NBA players regarding salary and general in-game disrespect. His latest victim, Dennis Schroder, is still recovering from what results when John Wall has a problem with you. In general, John Wall hears that you were talking some kind of sideways about him at a cookout he was either not invited to or couldn’t attend, and then he proceeds to remind you to watch your mouth. Generally this will result in him a) crossing you so far into next Tuesday you’ll be able to predict lottery results b) him hitting a highly contested jumper in your face c) him dunking you into the shadow dimension to never be able to return to Earth in your full form again. It’s delightful to watch.
The Chris Paul “Do What I Say or I’ll Kill Your Entire Family” Move
Chris Paul is a great basketball player, he may actually be a top five basketball player at his position. And like any good point guard, it is no surprise that Chris Paul is also a psychotic control freak. Knowing not only for fracas with opponents, Paul often challenges his teammates to “get on his level.” His phenomenal drive to win has generated plenty of exciting moments but also caused multiple confrontations where he stares his teammates down as if he’s about to kidnap their loved ones and hold them for ransom (ransom being good basketball play) unless they straighten up their play.
The DeMar DeRozan “Leave the Ground Before Knowing What To Do With The Basketball” Move.
Watching DeMar DeRozan play basketball is like watching multiple car-crashes without knowing how each on will end. Sometimes it’s a miraculous escape, others it’s a disaster. The pinnacle of this is when DeMar chooses to leave his feet before fulling materializing a thought in his basketball brain about whether he wants to shoot or pass and if he wants to pass who he can pass it too. Watching DeMar suspend himself in the air is Neo-esque until you realize you’re rooting for the Raptors and the panic sets in that he doesn’t quite know who to pass the ball too. It appears DeMar has the same realization because his body suddenly contorts to whip a pass to a teammate, or to an opposing teammate, or to a fan court-side more interested in getting a selfie with Drake than they are in watching out for the ball hitting them in the face, or more tragically their phone. It’s a magical mid-air ballet of indecision.
The Damian Lillard “Now I Shoot” Move
When Damian Lillard decides to shoot it doesn’t really matter if he’s at the three-point line, in the paint, at the half-way line, in the parking lot realizing he locked his keys in his car… It doesn’t matter if he’s wide open, covered, wrestling a bear or staring down the 300 Spartans from the movie 300. When Damian Lillard decides to shoot, Damian Lillard shoots.
The Draymond Green Inadvertent Motion
In the past year, Draymond Green’s performance has led me to reconsider all I know about human anatomy. Claiming that his body behaves more like the rag-doll physics from Saint’s Row II, Green manages to perform inadvertent acrobatic feats that would make Russian gymnasts proud. He often finds his limbs contorting in improbable ways to hit his opponents in a variety of body parts, but preferably the groin area. You know it when you see it. You also know, it’s definitely, certainly, most likely, maybe inadvertent.
The Steph Curry Doesn’t Respect You Move
This move manifests in two different ways. Steph Curry often decides that he doesn’t like you as a human and doubts you as a basketball player, in which case he will pull from anywhere just to demonstrate that to you. What makes this different from the Lillard variation is that then Steph Curry will also launch into what basically appears to be a video game simulation of a dance in front your face (and/or your bench) to drive his point home. You know, the kind of stuff teams would send out Dennis Rodman out there for.
Russell Westbrook Hits 88.7 MP/H
Russell Westbrook is magical and there is nothing more majestic than him in full sprint court to court. You can physically start to see the tears in time as he gathers the ball and gallops from one end to another to deliver a live threatening dunk. In those 2–3 seconds that Russell is at full speed he generates nearly enough momentum to take him back in time and presumably sleep with Marty McFly’s mother.
Kawhi Leonard’s Silence
Kawhi Leonard doesn’t say words. You know who else doesn’t say words? Most terrifying serial killers in all movies ever as they chase you down and fricassee your entire body. That’s terrifying. Kawhi Leonard’s silent stare as you dribble the ball towards him in a defensive stance is equally as terrifying.
Chris Paul Getting Shot By A Sniper
We’ve all seen it multiple times. One minute Chris Paul is standing perfectly upright like a bi-pedal mammal and then his entire body begins to flay like it’s been trapped in a wind tunnel with zero gravity. It’s a fantastic thing to watch the human body go from one extreme to the next so quickly.
The James Harden Stirring the Pot Move
Do you ever wonder what he’s cooking?
Kyrie Irving Playing Jenga With Your Ankles
Defending Kyrie Irving one-on-one is one of my recurring most terrifying nightmares. Defending someone like LeBron is easy because everyone is well aware of LeBron’s tremendous physical talent that has been granted to him the Gods of ancient Greece. He is supposed to dominate every player he comes against. Defending Kyrie Irving is like walking barefoot on glass in a middle of a full blown tidal wave with sharks that only enjoy biting your ankles inside said tidal wave. It is a transcending performance to watch Kyrie dribble the basketball except for when you’re the one who has to defend Kyrie dribbling the basketball and you’re well aware that everyone watching is going to see your ankles turn to jello inside five seconds.
