NBA Stock Market: Is Giannis Even Human?
At some point you have to stop looking at the game and start looking at abandoned experimental labs off the coast of Greece.
A quick glance at the Milwaukee Bucks statistical leaders page (here is the URL if you’re an inquisitive kind, in which case, good for you) makes you wonder many things. How are they this good with this roster. Did they actually try to measure their wingspan and if the they stand side by side arms outstretched can they actually link across Wisconsin from Minnesota to Michigan. Also if they have transitioned from position-less basketball to a player-less version where you only need one player on the court at any time.
Giannis Antetokounmpo currently leads the Bucks in points (22.3), rebounds (8.9), assists (5.9), steals (2), blocks (2) per game. He is top twenty in the NBA in all of those categories as well (5th and 6th in steals and blocks respectively). He also happens the only human to be able to traverse the Atlantic Ocean in a space of two steps. And if you’re thinking, “while this may be a perfectly conceivable theory had the Atlantic Ocean been a landmass, Giannis can’t possibly walk on water.” To which I say, “you don’t know that!”
His highlight tapes are basically montages from Super Hero movies we get when the scientist are all like “we’ve built him, he’s the perfect soldier” and then we spent 45 seconds to a minute and a half watching a series of shots proving that statement:
Looking at his game, you can’t help but wonder, what qualities from which earth (or aquatic) creature have the genius Greek scientists imbued Giannis with to get us where we are.
Speed: Cheetah
Yo, Giannis is fast. You may not recognize it because his body is an optical illusion, like mirrors that lie to you and tell you you’re 7 feet tall and skinny. It’s like that, but in real life. It’s easy to discount Giannis’ speed due to his inhuman reach, but in the open court at full speed, he opens up like a gazelle, except even the swiftest gazelle becomes dinner in the open footrace and Giannis is not anyone’s dinner. He’s a cheetah.
Leaping Ability: Bharal
In case you’re wondering what a Bharal is, it’s a goat, but a goat that leaps great distances across mountainous formations. It requires both precision and impeccable timing to travel great distances and make it across. Giannis doesn’t as much jump as he does that Nightcrawler thing where he’s in one place and then he’s in entirely another one a second later. Your brain actually fills in the gaps where he’s gone with images of his graceful body traveling through air because otherwise it would overheat not able to comprehend these meta human feats.
Contortion: Venomous Snake
I am not a snake expert because snakes freak the hell out of me and if I did any sort of research on them for this article I would probably not sleep for a weeks, so admittedly this section is scientifically flawed. Ironically, what freaks me out the most about snakes is what impresses me the most about Antetokounmpo. Snakes are able to contort their bodies as if physics and biology are some sort of voodoo shaman sciences based purely on speculation and not concrete laws. I mean:
Standing Reach: Pterodactyl
“No, no living animal in existence is sufficient for this,” a scientist mumbled to himself as he was coding the artificial DNA from archeological efforts into a computer.
We can talk about Antetokounmpo’s ability to travel across continents at a better pace than WestJet, but we can’t ignore that his arms are basically prolonged extensions of his body that evoke images of Mr. Fantastic or whatever DC spin-off of Dr. Reed exist in that universe. The estimated length of Giannis’ standing reach is the length of the State of Texas across.
Deadliness: Sea Wasp Jelly Fish
The deadliest land animal is a snake, it’s the snake called the Indian Taipan, and I presume it is one found in India. Picking that would be cheating as we’ve already done snakes, and also me doing more research on snakes, the perils of which I outlined above. Plus, snakes are obvious. Jellyfish are not. Jellyfish are dumb, slithering things that have somehow survived by blending into their environment, they’re expert chameleon’s that come out of nowhere. Remind you of anyone? Yet, the Sea Wasp Jelly Fish is the deadliest animal in the world. Like 95% of all the things that can kill you (including Andrew Bogut and Matthew Dellavedova), it can be found in Australia. It’s sting is venomous and sometimes the victim can be gone within 2 to 5 minutes. Point is, don’t go swimming in Australia and don’t stand in front of a Giannis Antetokounmpo barrage to the rim.
Vision: Falcon
Birds of prey are scary. They can identify their target from miles away and swoop in within seconds without a singular consideration for all other human life, not dissimilar to a single male on a Friday night. In his limited years (though not limited playing time) in the NBA, Giannis learned to not only spot key gaps on the court through which to traverse to the rim, he also developed an ability to spot open shooters in his periphery. Given that his drives insight the same fear and congregation of human force for purposes of defense as Mongolian rampages through Asia, there are usually plenty of open shooters.
Buy: Raptors Offense
Okay, fine, I give up. A Raptors truther, I believe that any solid showings by Toronto are clever misdirection plays developed specifically to make their fans believe in a miracle. Right before stomping out that dream right in front of our eyes. Since the start of the season I’ve maintained that DeRozan’s breakout is unsustainable, that injuries will eventually get to them and that the team is too one dimensional to be anything else that Cavs fodder (this one still may be true), but they may also actually be better than I admit.
The Dinos are second in the East (to the aforementioned Cavaliers — the messengers of the Apocalypse) and are top in offensive rating (117.1) in a League with a team that has all the guys with names Durant, Curry, Green and Thompson on the backs of their jerseys, despite being 23rd in pace. They’re putting up bonkers numbers and have become a walking contradiction. Their best player is a hallmark of a bygone era of the long two, their staple defense is 20th in the league in rating and their bench is presumably kiddie pool deep. Yet, the line up of Joseph, Lowry, Patterson, Nogueira and Ross sports a offensive rating of 131.0 when on the floor together. The Golden State line up of death squared is 124.3. This downfall is going to be so tragic.
Buy: Pascal Siacam — Okay Basketball Player, Tremendous Glue Guy
Possibly the only human in recorded history to stare certain death in the eye and return from it alive:
Buy: Luke Walton — Glue Guy
Luke Walton’s coaching impact on the Lakers cannot be overstated. This season, the Lakers are four points better in both pace and offensive rating than they were under the patronage of Byron Scott, the Sith Apprentice to Darth Mamba. There’s also been talk of how he revitalized the culture in LA. But to me, it always seemed like he’s the cool dad who gets you a NWA CD and then tries to learn all of the lyrics. While he could be a good culture guy, I always imagined his idea of a bonding experience is taking the team out for kombucha win or lose because, it’s like… good for you… dudes. Then I saw this:
I’ma go to war for Coach Dude Luke!
Hold: Spurs the Title Contenders
Every year, the rumors of Spurs demise as about as exaggerated as December 21, 2012. Every year they come back feeling fine and fueled by some sort of magical revival potion, which there is presumably more to go around of now that Tim Duncan is retired. This year, they’re 17–5 and are once again in top 10 in both defensive and offensive rating. It’s also basically a given that they’ll cross that 50 win mark for yet another consecutive year (the only other more reliable mark in sports is Arsenal finishing about Tottenham in the Premier League).
Yet, there is something weird about the Spurs this season. They seem a step behind the system and are a little over-reliant on one player than is customary. All of their five losses came against teams who they will see in the Playoff (and the Magic who they’ll b e seeing in their nightmares), so that gives cause for concern moving forward. Odds are, they will finish the season strong and make a valiant run through the Playoffs, but for now. I still need to see just a bit more.
Sell: Timberwolves Leap Year
The Wolves hoarded a cavalcade of talent over the last few drafts and looked on pace to compete their rebuild. No one expected them to make a deep run this year, but at least hovering around the playoff spot wouldn’t have been out of the question. They had a veteran coach and two first-overall draft picks from the last two years. Thibs specialized in crafting identities and the expectation was he would do the same in Minnesota. Well, that train is a little bit behind schedule (probably due to taking frequent breaks towards the end because of playing about 42 minutes per game).
Wiggins is playing historically his best season yet, and KAT hasn’t missed a step. The rest of the team kind of slides around them, but the Wolves keep losing. They’re still a young team and their most experienced player is Brandon Rush with 8 years to his name, so it can turn around, but senior leadership is paramount for a youthful squad looking to make progress. I really hope they give Andre Miller a call.
