Overreacting to Week 1 of NFL

As is annual tradition with any sport, we at Armchair like to react excessively to miniature sample sizes of all major sports first week into the existence of a new season. As is also annual tradition we are also horrifically and inexcusably wrong with at least 60% of the time (all the time). Still, that is better than my dating success ratio so I’ll be damned if we ever stop doing it.

Football is back, which means that a large percentage of the population can get back to their favorite Sunday past time of ignoring those close to them and watching grown men tackle each other and throw a pigskin around for the duration of the day. Panels of 4–6 men are now free to occupy your imagination for a full day spitting hot takes like “Tom Brady may be a good quarterback” and racist bullshit like “Colin Kaepernick is somehow worse than Hitler because he happens to have an opinion on something that’s not sport related.” But most of all, the players are back to provide us with the violent entertainment we crave and our version of Gladiator sports.

Carson Wentz: Superbowl MVP

I am an Eagles fan, so please give me the next minute to just say this, we’re going sixteen and OH baby!!! Get the parade route cleared out Philly because this process is about to take you home! Okay, now with that out of my system…

While not exactly setting the world on fire, Wentz stepped into the slot recently vacated by NFL’s version of Jack Wilshere and more than held his own. Sure it was the Brown’s defense, which effectiveness rating is somewhere between “lightly tattered cloth” and “sieve,” but still. Wentz went for 278 yards, no turnovers, a completion rating of 59.5% and a QB rating of 101.0. He also threw two touchdown passes that were so perfect they were almost sexually stimulating. Sure, the real tests will come as early as next week and sure a few throws looked pedestrian at best, but in his first NFL game Wentz was already as effective as Sam Bradford was only twice in his career.

Fine, don’t build a parade route just yet, but with his accelerated thrust into the spotlight, Wentz may not be the final answer to Philly’s, and here comes your sports writer hot take jargon term #1, much-maligned offense, but he is definitely now part of the equation.

New QBs shine, for the most part

I am being transparent here when I say the reason Wentz gets his own section is because he is an Eagles player. I have that power. Some of the other new faces behind center didn’t disappoint either. Jimmy Garoppolo looked an above average deputy in place of Brady. He was composed and managed to build a rapport with Julian Edelman as the WR, helping him rattle of 7 receptions to the tune of 66 yards. There were a few moments that you suspected the plot may get away from Jimmy G (is it too late for a Jersey Shore recast? Or too early for a remake), like the fumble, but for the most part he was solid. The times he faltered are something that can be fixed with experience, such as holding on to the ball too long or letting the clock run out on a play for delay of game.

To keep up with the theme of “temporary replacements,” Dak Prescott stepped into Tony Romo’s often injured shoes for the bout with divisional rivals the Giants, and almost survived. The path to a starting job may be easier for Dak, with Romo’s injury history, his knack for throwing a well timed interception and overall disposition. Jimmy is going straight to the bench when Brady comes back, Prescott has a longer cycle to make his case as well as less pedigree to compete with. He didn’t set the world on fire and looked pedestrian at best for stretches (outside of the TD heave to Dez Bryant that got taken away on a review), but he also didn’t turn the ball over and registered 227 yards on a 55.6% completion rating. He would have had a shot at glory had Terrance Williams been taught how to read the clock as a child, but he still did enough to hang on to his place in the rotation.

Defense: it’s important

The Indianapolis Colts appear to be heading for another season of throwing their shiny, 140$ million dollar quarterback under the bus. At this point, Andrew Luck has to be considering playing both sides of the ball, because I don’t think he can do a worse job at linebacker than the unit that got rolled over by the Lions. At this point of his career Andrew Luck is basically driving a horse carriage that has one functioning wheel and one of the horses up front has a lazy eye. He put a monster game of four touchdowns on zero picks for 385 yards and a rating of 119.5. Yet the Colts defense looked toothless for most of the game, providing as much protection as clothing at a EDM concert.

Similarly, the New Orleans Saints weren’t able to turn a monster game from Brandin Cooks (2TDs, including a 98 yard heave on a 143YD night) into anything of substance. They let the Raiders rack up 486 yards (their highest total since 2013) and convert two out of three two-point conversion attempts on their way to a fairly improbable comeback.

On the flip-side, the Minnesota Vikings imposed their defensive dominance all over the Titans en route to a shellacking of Marcus Mariotta who will probably want to lock the game film in a box, melt the box into a cannonball and then fire it at the moon, firing the canon that fired it at the moon at the moon shortly after. Minnesota dogged him all day, contributing to a pick-six and a two fumbles (one on a very abysmal option play). Their offensive outlook is bleak with AP looking mortal the first game of the season. Without an indication that any of their QBs know how throwing a football works outside of “in principle”, teams are free to pack it in and make Peterson’s life a living nightmare. Luckily, their defense gets to hang around.

… But so does offense

Chicago was more or less toothless leaning on Alshon Jeffrey, who will be their one man offense for most of the year, managing very little on that side of the ball and taking a beating in return. Similarly, the Bills still seem unable to turn their defensive dominance and their expanding array of talented personnel on offense into any points. With LeSean McCoy and Sammy Watkins they have two of the more explosive players at those positions, and yet they didn’t even break the 200 total yard mark while also looking lost on third downs (3-for-13). The Ravens looked pedestrian at best and I understand that Rex Ryan is a defensive coach, but unless he finds some sort of an answer to the chaotic disarray his team exists in on offense, the writing may just be on the wall.

Fans will be thrilled

Between electrifying debuts, devastating comebacks, barn burners and typical blunders, the first week of action had anything you could ask for. The action mostly exciting (unless you’re the poor soul stuck watching Miami — Seattle or Buffalo — Baltimore games) and 9 games ended with a differential of six points or less, keeping the drama late into the day.

Kicker is a composure position

Kickers can decided games. Sometimes kickers can decide important games. Sometimes the early stretch of the season serves as an indicator at how good kickers will be at deciding games. Sometimes, a kicker who’s hit a field goal over 47 yards only once in the last year decides to mouth off about his unbelievable ability from 60-yards in after hitting one fro 59 in a pre-season game ends up on the spot to put his money where his mouth is. Sometimes it all fails spectacularly. Learn to hedge your bets against appropriate sample size kids.