The Most and Least Interesting Teams Heading into the NBA Season
The NBA is almost back and not a day too soon.
With the NBA graciously agreeing to move up the regular season start date and alleviate our withdrawal symptoms two weeks early this year, we’re already on a head-on collision course with NBA basketball. With the summer that quietly resembled a perfect storm in a cornucopia superstar moves and faux Twitter accounts we’ve never been more ready for the NBA season ahead. And while we’re still about a week away from me and Brandon Anderson diving head first into League Pass rankings, let’s take a look at top 5 least and top 5 most interesting teams heading into the season.
Note: These are not watchability rankings or how good these teams are, these are based entirely on how intriguing the team’s path (good or bad) is looking for the season. For example, while the Knicks are certainly going to be terrible it is always intriguing to play the “how can things get even worse” game with them (also the proposed new slogan for the Trump presidency).
Least Interesting Teams
Five: The Detroit Pistons
Aside from not resigning Kentavious Caldwell-Pope, the All NBA best names to have on a jersey first team, the Pistons have been somewhat quiet (?) this off-season, acquiring Avery Bradly to fill that empty spot for them in the year to come. The problem is, there really isn’t a path here for the Pistons to do anything. They’re still paying Josh Smith to not be on their team (a deal which somehow I think they’ve won) and a bunch of guys to be on their team, none of whom are particular interesting when it comes to basketball. We know what we get with the Pistons at this point in time, and that will be lots of drives to the hoop and lots of missed free-throws with an occasional profanity laden tirade courtesy of Stan Van Gundy sprinkled in for good measure.
Four: The Toronto Raptors
I like running outside because when you run outside your brain registers that you’re going places. Running on a treadmill, while creates an artificial sensation of moving, doesn’t actually get you any closer to or further from anywhere you want to be. The Toronto Raptors have been running on a treadmill for the past 3 years. The most interesting thing about the Raptors is outrageous Twitter takes the fans concoct on Twitter.
There was this one time that Terrence Ross was a fringe all-star. The continuous years (we’re on third consecutive) that DeMar DeRozan will become a 35%+ three point shooter. The ongoing stipulation that Jonas Valanciunas is on the brink of greatness. The only thing Jonas Valanciunas is on the brink off is figuring out that he plays basketball for a living. Raptors games turn into a slug fest and the team is perfectly satisfied to tread middle ground while being an annual doormat to others in the playoffs.
Three: Indiana Pacers
Living in Indiana, playing in Indiana or even thinking of Indiana is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Indiana is where fun and emotion goes to die (sorry Naptown). For a while there it seemed like the Pacers were at least on the brink of relevancy but then they traded Paul George for spare change to Oklahoma City and reset everything (I still maintain that Sam Presti is basically exchanging Russian Rubles for US Dollars at a one to one rate this off-season). The only interesting thing about Indy is whether or not Victor Oladipo averages more album sales or points this year.
Two: The Atlanta Hawks
I have a challenge for you. Go to the Atlanta Hawks Roster, but on one of those websites where you can’t see photos of players next to names. Start reading the names and see if you know what more than four players on the team look like in your head. Bonus challenge is if you can guess their position or tangible basketball skill without looking. I’ll stop you now because that is a thing you cannot do. The Hawks may actually end up being the worst team in the League this year and this isn’t a hot take.
One: The Chicago Bulls
This is how I know that existence is cyclical. The Bulls have had the incredible era of Michael Jordan. They literally got to watch almost a decade of the greatest basketball player win everything on the court (and lose some of it in the casinos). Then, after being okay for a short period of time they got Derrick Rose in his 2 season prime before he got injured and his body outran his brain by at least five years. Even after that, Jimmy Butler was able to at least keep the Bulls relevant.
Currently the Bulls are at an entrance to a desolate wasteland, much like the one Denzel Washington was in in Book of Eli. Except instead of the word of God they have the word of Laari Markkanen. They have players paying them literally not to play for them.
Most Interesting Teams
Five: New Orleans Pelicans
I remember the first time I discovered YouTube, mostly because the first video I ever watched was someone putting a scorpion into the same terrarium already occupied by a spider. I was equal measure terrified, intrigued and amused. That’s how I feel about this Boogie and Brow (patent pending TV pilot name idea) pairing down in the Bayou. I don’t know if this will work, much like Dr. Frankenstein didn’t know if putting corpse parts together and animating them with electricity would work, but it did. This might work. This might not, Boogie might fight someone, but it will be an ensnaring roller-coaster ride.
Four: Milwaukee Bucks
As anyone who’s watched either Pacific Rim or Pan’s Labyrinth can attest to the fact that Guillermo Del Toro’s imagination is probably top five all time on this here planet Earth. Yet I don’t think even he could imagine a creature as terrifying and deadly as Giannis in an open court euro-stepping opponents across state lines. His statistics for last year were borderline MVP and he had 29th usage rate in the League. That seems absurd, especially considering that the Bucks played without Middleton or Jabari (or both) for most of the season. If Giannis learns to shoot the three at a consistent rate I may start believing in God again.
For the Bucks, it’s always been about how good can they be when they all stay healthy. When such an anomaly occurs (about as frequent as the solar eclipse) they can field a starting five with reach long enough to unite America from coast to coast and good role players that fulfill needs. This is the year we start making questions about Giannis’ feature and the Bucks need to start answering. How they use their healthy team, will they even get a healthy team and what do they do with Greg Monroe’s salary are all very important dilemmas we must approach this year.
Three: Los Angeles Lakers
Depending on how you feel about LaVar Ball, the Lonzo era in LA is in full swing. After a magnetic media day, a what I assume is a music release (I don’t know, I’ll sew my ears shut before I listen to anyone from the Ball family rap) and clear path to be the team’s one and only savior, this is must see TV. Two subplots that matter for the Lakers is can Lonzo live up to his self-advocated spotlight and how many opposing players will specifically target Lonzo for all the cheques LaVar’s “all you can eat Chinese buffet” mouth has written over the past year.
Two: Philadelphia 76ers
Philly has been an intriguing team for the past two years solely off the strength of Joel Embiid. This year however, they’re riding into the season with Ben Simmons and Markelle Fultz, the two consecutive number one picks, and Joel possibly coming to join them later. This is a team that has so much talent at the top (hypothetical talent) that it’s hard not to see them compete for a a Championship in a few years, but as always questions linger. Joel Embiid makes them a playoff team from the 6th seed and up, without him, they’re lost at sea. I think everyone holds their collective breaths every time anything happens to JoJo.
On the other team, the intrigue of “how will the Colangelos mess this one up” has kept me up at night ever since Sam Hinkie, our lord, savior and true president, was shown the door. Will they trade Joel? Will they extend J.J. Redick for 5 seasons? Will they trade three of their picks for nothing? The possibilities are truly endless.
One: Oklahoma City Thunder
It’s not even October and NBA writers have already maxed out, overdrawn and gone into deep crippling debt on our use of “there’s only one basketball.” With the Melo trade we might have to remortgage just to keep this going. OKC returns as one of the Leagues most intriguing teams, this year for all the write reasons. Last year we wanted to see what state of nuclear fission can Russell Westbrook achieve on his own. This year we’re interested to see how three alpha superstars and one industrial refrigerator masquerading as a human can make it work on the basketball.
This summer Sam Presti did his best Wolf of Wall Street re-enactment as he turned penny stocks into top of the line investments. You know how when in Grand Theft Auto you totally trash your car and then show up to the car repair shop and they charge you $200 to basically give you a new car? That’s the kind of trading Presti is doing. He offers people monopoly money and walks away with reserves of actual gold. But how will this work? Who will they resign? Will the Universe experience a second big bang when it’s 3.8 seconds left in the fourth, the Thunder are down by 2 and all three players go for the ball?
We just have to wait and see.
